


Sensations

by sourielle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Divorce, Eventual Smut, Gay Erwin Smith, Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Religion, Virgin Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-02-05 22:45:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourielle/pseuds/sourielle
Summary: Soon enough Levi would be 30 and pulled into a promising new decade; the 90s held the next chapter of his life and he was so ready to experience it. However, he had a lot to consider, a lot of unanswered questions sat in his mind. He needed to think about who he really was - other than Petra’s husband and his parents perfect son. Who was he really? How did he really feel? What did he really want?





	1. Contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not really pleased with this chapter despite rewriting it a number of times, and if it didn’t contain some form of an introduction then I’d probably just delete it all together. I just hope y’all can push through it

He breathed in, his eyes scanning the ceiling as if they hadn't done so a thousand times already. He could hear Petra draw in a breath next to him, her arms wrapping around his chest unconsciously as she slept.   
It was strange, really. How he’d become so used to this sort of thing; quiet nights together, the sound of her breathing, the feeling of her skin against his.  
But, It ends up becoming so dull.   
So frustratingly normal.

Levi sighed, letting Petra slip off of him as he sat up in the bed, she was quite the heavy sleeper so she never seemed to notice. Either that or she ignored it.

Wary knees wobbled slightly as the small man rose to his feet beside the bed, stretching his arms out slowly. He looked around himself, at all the photos of the 'happy couple'; at all the little pieces of He and Petra’s memories. It was so boring. But, it confused him - they were in love, So 'happy'. He just couldn't understand what happened, where that feeling had gone. How could so much love just disappear?

Levi’s body ached as he made his way to the bathroom, already fully exposed and without clothing. These midnight showers had become a normal thing; scrubbing away at himself in the complete darkness, acting as though there was actually something to rid himself of.  
As the dark haired man walked into the bathroom he let his thumb tap against the switch for the shower, stepping in immediately to feel the boiling hot water spit against his skin. For a moment he just stood there, motionless as he thought. But after letting a few moments go by just like that, staring into the darkness, just thinking; he began to clean himself. Scraping at himself rapidly with the flannel, he could feel his skin burn in response to the friction. He loved that burn. Loved feeling something, and honestly, as the years had passed, it had become rare.  
Levi longed for that burn to be constant. No matter how much pain it brought him. He just wanted to feel.

Levi took his time as he cleaned himself, eventually spending an hour or so in the shower before he decided to get out. The small man flicked the switch for the shower once again and stepped out, grabbing one of the towels from the bathroom shelf. His entire body felt like a dead weight as he dried himself, and for a few seconds he noticed the toll these midnight showers were taking on him.  
Levi took care in unfolding the towel and wrapping it around his hips, knowing he wasn't quite ready to retreat to the bed yet.

He walked through the house, unsure which room he actually wanted to go to yet, fingers dragging across the walls as he moved.   
The walls were plain, boring; the move to this house carried so much hope with it - so many possibilities, but it was just another disappointment. This life he and Petra have built themselves , it was utterly mundane. It lacked that liveliness.  
They fucked occasionally. But Levi would rarely find himself truly caught in the moment - in body he was with her, pleasing her, but not in mind. It’s almost as if he completely disassociated - left his body for a while.

“Fuck!” Pain surged through the small man’s foot as it hit a table leg in the hallway, pulling him from his half-asleep trance. He then went back to bed.

...

In the morning he woke up next to Petra again, her body tangled with his own in a somewhat strange position. Though, it was nothing out of the ordinary.  
"Good morning." Levi felt her whisper against his neck. That whisper was far too familiar, far too dull; expected. Its significance had faded, and now it was a couple of useless words hanging between them like so many others. He simply grunted in response as he stretched out in the bed, taking a quick glance at the clock.  
2 hours until work.  
Though, 3 hours until he actually had to face a class of snotty teenagers that made him regret his career choice, to an extent. But, teaching those nasty little brats payed the bills, so he put up with it.  
The time before leaving seemed to drag, each part of the morning seeming like more of a task. But he continued, going about his usual routine. Though, the part he was dreading the most was actually leaving. There was always that cringe worthy 'perfect couple' type scene.  
'The husband kisses his wife before going off to work' scene.  
He hated it.  
He wanted something different, perhaps even abnormal.  
But, soon enough he had to kiss his ‘family’ goodbye and leave, ignoring the feeling of repugnance it lit in his stomach.

If he was honest, he loved the drive to work, the roads were just so quiet and the silence around him was perfect; but although he loved that silence, he wanted it to change. he wanted someone to fill his silence.  
But for now, he let himself enjoy it as he threw himself into the drivers seat, not bothering with the seat belt as he put the keys into ignition.   
On a good day, it was an eight minute drive to the school - barely enough time for him to properly think over the day and plan ahead. So he tended to secretly long for those bad days just for the extra time alone that came with them. Today was fairly in between the two, and though he could probably just drive slower, that just took the fun out of it.

As he drove, he began to plan out the day, bit by bit, thinking about the different groups of ungrateful little fuck-heads he’d be teaching.   
To be fair, a few of them really did work hard, but a few really wasn't enough to cast away his dread.

Soon enough Levi arrived at the school, pulling into the parking lot. Today he’d left slightly earlier to avoid Petra, so the lot was near enough empty. Though, there was one other car, Erwin Smith’s.   
In all truth, he didn't know much about Erwin himself, apart from the fact that he was insanely nice to almost everyone he came into contact with; how he managed it, Levi would never know. He could only assume that the man’s kindness came with a pinch of salt.   
Apparently he'd had jobs at a couple of other schools before he came to this one, working as a history teacher in one and a geography teacher in the other. He was someone who obviously knew their stuff and had worked for it.   
At his current school, he was known as Principle Smith, a favourite teacher amongst peers and a rare sight to the kids that behaved.

After parking up, Levi watched him from where he sat, his eyes scanning him from a distance. Anyone could acknowledge the fact that this guy was built like a brick-shit-house, his muscles almost visible through his shirt.   
Damn.

The small man quickly snapped out of it as the blonde began heading towards his car, wearing one of those sickly-sweet welcoming smiles.   
As he got closer Levi decided to slowly slip out of his warm car and into the cold, crisp morning; how could someone be so happy when it was this cold?

"Mr. Ackerman? You're here early, avoiding traffic?" He began, any sign of discomfort due to the cold being well hidden.

It took everything Levi had not to frown at him even more than he already was, so he just nodded, looking away from him as he locked his car. Then he heard the blonde chuckle from behind him - this time he didn't refrain from frowning at him.   
Erwin simply pointed at the car, which the shorter man suddenly noticed still contained the bag with all of his paperwork in it. He mentally cursed himself and unlocked the car once again.   
"Why are you suddenly talking to me anyway, Smith?" Levi hissed, opening the car door, avoiding eye contact with the giant Principle.  
Erwin offered a sound of confusion before resting a hand against the car door beside Levi’s head.  
"Because you are one of my teachers? One of my teachers that I don't know enough about, and that just won't do, will it, Levi?" He was stood directly behind him now, probably only a few centimetres away as he spoke with the tone Levi could only assume would be put on for misbehaving students. 

Though, he couldn't help but think about how his name rolled off of his tongue so perfectly.

In the hazy distraction of Erwin’s voice, Levi must have overestimated the space between them as he bent down to get his bag, only realising this when he felt his backside whack against the other man’s leg.  
The smaller man gasped as he grasped his bag and spun round to face the blonde, eyes cloudy with annoyance; an annoyance he’d expected to see in Erwin’s eyes too. But, his expression hadn't changed from when he’d last looked.

"Good god, ease up a bit ya creepy old fuck." He played off his frustration as a joke; after all, he wasn’t sure how much of his bitchy attitude the other man would tolerate.  
Erwin gave an uneasy laugh, raising his hands and taking a step back.  
"Pardon me for intruding, your highness." He took the same humorous approach as Levi, which the small man could only assume was a good thing.   
But instead of reacting, he just looked away, mumbling a quiet 'whatever'.  
And with that, he left. Just like that.

What the fuck just happened?

...

Classes went fast that day. His mind in a dream-like state for the majority of the morning, as if he was on autopilot. He doubted the kids even noticed - they were probably just relieved he wasn’t yelling about shit homework and deadlines. His lack of sleep was almost certainly affecting their oh-so precious education but none of them seemed particularly interested in 19th century literature anyway so the difference it made was minuscule. It was times like these he wondered why he even taught. He’d never really had a huge liking to it - only choosing it as a career to prove a point to his parents, although the thought of disappointing them had been a tremendously entertaining dream of his for a while now. He just always wanted something more. Something exciting. Something he could be truly passionate about. But he’d never known what that would be so he dropped the idea before indulging it whatsoever.

After four hours of lessons he finally sat back at his desk, running fingers through his hair with a sigh of frustration before slumping in his chair, enjoying the empty silence. That is- before a sharp knock at the door opens his eyes and straightens his back, ultimately bringing him back into action.  
Erwin’s head pops through the door, peering into the empty classroom.  
“Alone at lunch?” He inspected with a smile that made Levi want to punch him right between the eyes.  
“Guess so.” The dark haired man shrugged in response - he had nowhere to be and no real ‘friendly connections’ to any of the staff - he just kept to himself. It’s a wonder he still had a job here, his social skills were that of a fucking teapot.  
And with the not-so welcoming response, Erwin invited himself in. 

Levi sat back in his reasonably comfortable chair, eyes following Erwin’s body from the doorway to the other side of the desk, keys jingling in his pocket as he walked. The blonde pulls one of the many chairs in the room towards said desk, seating himself opposite Levi and placing his large, somewhat veiny hands on the surface of the desk.

“I want to get to know you, Mr Ackerman.”

...

Levi didn’t go home that night, he couldn’t bare it - couldn’t bare her. He didn’t call her, didn’t call anyone, he just finished work and drove, nowhere in particular, just away. He felt dramatic, as if he was driving away from a big argument, but in truth he was just driving away from his own intrusive thoughts. 

Erwin? Erwin. God all he could think about was Erwin. He was strange - unsettling almost - in the way he spoke, as if he knew something Levi didn’t. Like some sort of suave smart-ass. And his body, - the raven’s hands tightened around the steering wheel - it made Levi feel small, insecure in a way. No one made him feel like that. He wasn’t sure whether he liked it; feeling weak. There was no doubt he was used to being the smallest, but his impressive strength and attitude made up for it. People didn’t cross Levi.  
But he believed Erwin would be willing to change that. Hoped, even.

A gasp drew from thin lips, his foot slamming on the breaks at a red light. He needed to get himself together before he did something foolish. 

After the light switched to green he drove further into the city, eyes scanning the sides of the road for somewhere to pullover. He needed a break.  
A sign with big bright flashing letters, blacked out windows and the deep thrum of familiar music ripped his attention away from the road. He pulled over. 

Buzzing sounds erupt from his phone; Petra - decline call.

Levi sighs, fixing his hair in the reflection of his rear-view mirror, pulling on his jacket and stepping out of his car in a tight black turtle neck and the fairly slim-fitting trousers he wore to work. After ensuring he had his wallet and keys, he walked into the building.  
Blue lights masked the almost pitch black room, bodies barely visible as they moved together on the dance floor to some form of alternative-sounding, fast paced music. Levi recognised the song but couldn’t care enough to remember. Part of him felt as though he was getting too old for this kind of shit, but he supposed it was only a one time thing. What could go wrong?

His eyes darted around the room, looking for somewhere to go, or rather somewhere to sit - he wasn’t about to let himself get crushed on the dance floor. He just needed to sit, after all, he couldn’t turn around now.  
Red lights caught his eye: they illuminated what seemed to be... a bar of some sort? Had the lights been blue he probably wouldn’t have noticed it.  
His feet cautiously carried him closer, mind drifting in and out of focus. However, the drifting was starting to annoy him, he wanted to be completely gone. Wasted.

...

Six shots of vodka and four cigarettes later, Levi sat hunched over the bar, gently swaying to the music in his seat. He was barely there.

“Mr Ackerman?” A familiar but unidentifiable voice rings in Levi’s ears and forces him to move his gaze away from the half empty glass in his hand. A boy - younger than him, a student maybe - sat next to him, bright blue eyes, gorgeous swept back blonde hair and a warm smile. Levi knew his face, furrowing his brows as he tried to remember. He failed.

“I didn’t know you were gay? I thought you were married or something.” That same voice, effeminate and smooth, hit his ears with a wave of questioning Levi wasn’t expecting.  
“Gay? I’m not fucking gay.. I like women.” Slurred words fell off his tongue, accompanied by a twang of slight disgust. Does he look gay? A few men made height-based assumptions in the past on a far more sober Levi and received glares, but that’s all. He’d had a very old fashioned upbringing; ‘Adam and Eve’ not ‘Adam and Steve’ and all that jazz. He knew being gay was wrong, dirty, and most certainly not something he intended to present as.

“Sir, sorry I just- why on Earth are you in a gay bar?” The boy pressed with a bright grin, “you looking for a change?”   
Levi was taken aback: Gay bar? Were they fucking allowed now? Jesus, he really should have given the building a better once-over. However, he was here, drunk at the bar with a handsome boy at his side. His stomach fluttered with a strange feeling. Guilt? Disgust? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t care. A smirk even seated itself on his features. His parents would hate this.  
And after a few moments of thoughtful silence between the two Levi responds, “Perhaps.”

...

The room is spinning and all he can feel is skin and silky sheets pressed against his body. He doesn’t recognise the place - it certainly wasn’t his room for starters - it was extremely different to the plain setting of he and Petra’s ‘perfect’ home. The walls were painted a dull, grimy off-green colour, mould decorating the corners; and for the most part it was dark, only a tiny glimmer of morning light peeking through dirty, black curtains. The room stank. Sweat, smoke, booze, sex. It was also full of.. men? Some were already awake, enjoying their first cigarette of the day, the others were all asleep - naked. Despite the very average size of the room Levi couldn’t keep count of the men he saw, scattered on the bed, on the floor and out the doorway. Jesus fucking Christ.  
Nothing makes sense and no matter how many times he presses his fingers into his temples and tries to remember, nothing comes back to him; just blurs of the bar and the boy and... oh god did he fuck a student? He sat up properly, rubbed his eyes and scanned his surroundings: two sleeping men lay either side of him, legs tangling with his own - but no sign of the boy. Thank god. He wasn’t prepared to put his career on the line because of his own drunken stupidity. Though even after the wave of reassurance he did wonder where the boy had gone.  
But there was still one big question that sat unanswered in his mind - did he cheat on Petra? His feelings for her may have completely caved in on themselves but he wasn’t a cheater, he refused to believe it. His strict upbringing taught him many things : he was well aware that being unfaithful was wrong and that promiscuity was ‘disgusting’. No, he didn’t cheat. But he knew that he’d never bother to gather information as to whether this was correct or not.  
Levi frantically crawled out of the bed, painfully hungover and in search of his belongings. In his drunken haze god knows wear he’d put them, he couldn’t even remember entering the apartment. There were blankets and clothes covering the floor, so the stained, beige carpet beneath his feet was barely visible at all - this may take longer than he had anticipated. 

Aching fingers clawed through the piles of clothes, occasionally meeting used condoms or cigarette butts before finally grabbing the soft black fabric of his coat. Pleased, Levi searched the pockets for his phone: dozens of missed calls from Petra - and one from the school. A sigh passed his lips and he put his phone away, returning to his search for clothes rather than partaking in the definite argument that would happen if he called Petra. He was not in the mood.  
Eventually the small man got his things together, successfully dressing himself and ensuring he had his phone and wallet before attempting to leave. His tight black clothing choices didn’t feel so good in the hungover state of the late morning.

“Last night was great - you can do wonders with those hands of yours” a low, croaky voice sounded behind him and stopped him in his tracks. He wanted to ask about what happened - what he did - but the words never came out, he just coughed out a ‘yeah’ before hurriedly leaving. Maybe not knowing what happened would be better.  
Blissful ignorance.

Upon exiting the building he discovered the shitty apartment sat across the street from the bar - the gay bar. Someone must have brought him here towards the end of the night, although he had no chance of remembering whether that was actually the case at all.  
Tired feet carried him to his car, hand diving into his pocket for his keys. Regret and confusion pulsed through him, stomach twisting at the thought of the consequences he’d have to face when he got home. And as if on cue, his phone buzzed in his pocket, demanding his attention. With a groan Levi slipped into his car and put the phone to his ear.  
“Yes?” He grumbled, expecting Petra to answer, yelling down the phone about irresponsibility. But she didn’t.  
“It’s Thursday, Mr Ackerman. It’s 12:30 and you have classes to teach, where are you?”   
Erwin. Levi bit his lower lip trying to think of a response; he’d really fucked up.  
“I’m, uh, I’m sorry. I’ve been... busy.” He lied, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
“Yes. So I’ve seen.” Erwin’s reply startled him; what could he mean? Did he know? Was he at the bar? Did he see him go in?   
A deep sigh can be heard on the blonde’s end, pausing before deciding to explain himself.  
“Some... photographs have quickly made their way around the school, Levi.” The smaller man slowly inhales at the sound of his name; it must be serious. “You were at a bar with a student. It is not acceptable.”  
Levi took a shaky breath and furrowed his brows, his body going cold and stiff with panic and disbelief. Who the fuck had been at that bar? Was someone watching him? It’d been less than 24 hours and he could feel his job hanging in the balance.   
He stumbled for justification.  
“I know how this looks. But I didn’t touch him, he just, I don’t know he just happened to be there at the same time- it’s not exactly my fault he approached me.” It all sounded like a big lie - even in his own ears - but he knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t like that. 

“I believe you.” Relief surges through him, “but this still doesn’t look good for the school.” Erwin doesn’t sound as strict and in control as usual, he almost sounds distressed. “Look, I’ll have a meeting with you tomorrow. For now just... get yourself together.”  
Before Levi could even consider what to say next the call was over and Erwin was gone. His fingers curled anxiously around the steering wheel and he chewed his lower lip; he couldn’t lose his job. He couldn’t have something like this on his record. For a moment his vision became blurry with tears, overwhelmed, but he shrugged it off, started the car and drove home.

He didn’t want to see Petra, he didn’t want to have the conversation he knew she was going to push for. But here he stood at the front door of their home, fingers hovering above the door handle. He could turn around and leave, drive wherever he wanted and never come back. But he knew he couldn’t, he’d just have to take what she was about to give him: an ear full of bullshit.

Questions. The minute the door opened she fired questions at him, one after the other: ‘Where were you?’ ‘What were you doing?’ ‘Who were you with?’. She barely gave him any time to respond - so he didn’t. He sat down on their uncomfortable sofa and frowned, waiting for her to fall silent before speaking at all. There was no use in talking over her or trying to interrupt.

“I’m fine. I went to the bar, got tipsy, fell asleep and drove home as soon as I woke up” it wasn’t a lie, that is exactly what happened - he just didn’t feel like going through all the ‘little’ details.  
“Oh.. oh, well, alright then, but you should have called me, I was worried.” Petra’s voice had no emotion behind it anymore, rage replaced with indifference. So much for all that ‘worry’ she was apparently feeling. Levi suppresses a smirk - at least he could tell her feelings for him were just as dead as his were for her; at least he didn’t need to feel guilty about avoiding her anymore. They were stuck in a miserable, dead marriage and neither one of them was willing to say it. He often found himself wondering whether they’d ever end it, if they’d just go on forever hating their lives and the shitty relationship they’d gotten caught in.  
He then nods in response and leaves the room, retreating to his poor excuse of a study upstairs to continue whatever work was left on his desk.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the day, or interact at all for that matter. They avoided one another like the plague, and both were fairly comfortable with that. When night fell, Levi dropped down in the chair of his study, deciding he’d rather sleep there than with Petra.

...

He drew in a long breath through his nose, the thought of this meeting had been wracking him since the phone call from Erwin yesterday. He was beyond stressed and prepared for the worst outcome possible - or at least he’d convinced himself he was. The small man was well aware of the legal outrage could bloom from the simple, genuinely innocent photograph. Hell, he’d be lucky if his career in teaching would be allowed to continue at all; so he hoped for the best. After all, it was all he could do.

And then there was him - Erwin - standing in the doorway of his office, broad shoulders stretching the clean white fabric of his shirt, tie loose around his neck. He looked as stressed as Levi felt, soft dips in his skin creating slight bags under his eyes. The smaller mans eyes slid up and down Erwin’s body as he fully stepped into the room, gently closing the door behind himself with a barely audible sigh. He couldn’t get to grips with the idea that Erwin supposedly looked this wrecked because of this situation - so he didn’t. He tried to ignore it instead.  
“I’m glad you came, Mr Ackerman.” He started, sitting down and running long fingers through dishevelled, blonde hair. Even in this state he seemed so.. in control? Composed?   
Although the expression didn’t quite reach his eyes, Levi looked amused, a brow raised; what did Erwin expect? For him to just shrug it off and stay home? Of course he was here. However, instead of snapping back with one of the many sarcastic responses he had in mind, he simply nodded.  
“I’ve... Ive done a lot of thinking about this,” The blonde kept his eyes glued to the floor, “I wanted to find a way around this for you, Levi. You seem like a very genuine man - you.... I don’t know. You don’t deserve this. These accusations. Or at least I hope that’s the case.” 

The dark haired man went completely still in his seat, brows furrowed and eyes stuck on Erwin’s distressed expression. He’d expected bad news but right now, in the moment, it was too much. The larger male hadn’t even given him a complete answer and he was already fighting the urge to bolt out of the room and never come back.   
“I’m truly sorry. News of these... images, has gotten around rather fast, we can’t sweep this under the rug. We can’t keep you here, it would only lead to legal trouble - we cant afford that.” The man sighed, finally meeting eyes with Levi, who stared right back. The connection was weighted with pain and sympathy.

Where would he work? What could he do? What would his parents think? Levi’s mind rattled with fears and piles of questions that had burst from this situation. He was truly fucked after all, and no amount of hoping would help. He’d done this to himself. He couldn’t blame anyone - and it made him angry.  
His gaze left Erwin’s and fell to the floor; he wanted to speak, to tell him it was all wrong and that the accusations held against him were fucking vile. He wanted to raise an eyebrow in annoyance and throw sarcasm and bitchy comments in the mans face so he’d admit that it was wrong. He wanted to be Levi: sure of himself and extra shitty about it. But he couldn’t. His mouth wouldn’t even open.

“This isn’t something I wanted,” Erwin’s deep, silky voice pulled Levi out of his trance. “Our conversations were brief but, Id like to think you’re not like that.” Erwin’s tone was honest and genuine; it made Levi’s entire body feel warmer, almost. He didn’t feel so fucked up and alone in this sudden, messy situation. Erwin’s presence was strange and unsettling at times, but right now he was the only person Levi wanted to be around. He would rather be around this mysterious blonde bag of sympathy than his wife.

“If you need support, help -anything at all - please come to me. I’ve put you in this situation, I want to make this as easy as possible for you.”

Levi frowned, ‘You weren’t at a bar with a teenager that attends school within your workplace. You didn’t put me in this situation.” The words came out as a hiss, though the only person he was angry at was himself.

Erwin’s thick brows drew together, intense cerulean eyes locked on the smaller man. “I don’t care. We will make this work.”

God, he wanted to believe the man that sat before him, determined, confident. He wanted to rely on someone, anyone - and he knew that someone wouldn’t be Petra. They were an attractive married couple, yes, but Levi had to wonder what toll his mistakes would take on their marriage. It lit a fire under his skin. If it weren’t for the heavy gaze resting on him he would have smiled.

“Okay, Erwin. I trust you.” I think. He wasn’t willing to refuse Erwin’s offer.

...

He’d ran it over and over in his mind, how he was going to tell her - what he was going to tell her - but stood in front of his wife, hands shaking with pure nerves, it felt impossible. It wasn’t the idea of upsetting her, the damage it may do to their relationship, but the humiliation Levi felt. The idea that he had failed himself, her, everyone. He didn’t want to be looked down on. He didn’t want to become the joke his parents expected him to be; he wanted to leave people speechless, not laughing.

“I lost my job.” Levi finally spoke, voice flat and utterly unmoved by his words despite his thundering heart.

Petra made herself comfortable on the sofa, face twisted, like she had tasted something sour. She almost looked disgusted, which was new. Though, the expression she did reveal was subtle - she looked just as disinterested as she looked shocked. 

“How.” She frowned, shifting her gaze to Levi, questioning him with her eyes. Her voice was deep and it became clear that she was deadly serious.  
He’d never seen her act in such an intimidating manner. It excited him.

He pondered on what he would say for a moment, staring directly into her hazel hues for every second of it.

“I was at a gay bar.”

And then came the real shock - almost anger. Petra looked fit to burst, her emotions suppressed by a weak poker face that was ready to slip right off.   
She then stood up from where she was sat, stepping towards him; and kissed him, hard, fingers dancing through his hair.   
It was raw, unexpected, and full of Petra’s rage and hatred.   
That anger - that burn - was what he had craved all this time. This kiss should mean everything to him. The fact that Petra felt enough towards him to become so fired up. The passion behind her lips. It should be enough. But it’s not - and they both know it.  
Petra pulls away completely after a comfortable amount of time and mirrored Levi’s bored expression. She knew exactly what he was feeling.   
“I’ve noticed.” -Levi’s brows furrow in a silent response , urging her to continue - “The way you look at me now. The way you act. The way you disconnect when we’re.. when we’re being intimate. The way you’re not the man I married. I mean,” Petra sighed, fumbling for words to force her feelings into Levi’s ears. “Levi, a gay bar? Are you even a man at all?” This made Levi shiver in a way that he couldn’t explain. He wasn’t gay - and he was not one to condone homosexuality - but he felt angry at her harsh words, offended, almost. The challenging aggression in her tone made him want to push, to shove her completely off the rails.   
He stepped closer, looking down at her.

“Evidently, I’m more man than you can fucking handle. Why do you think I was even there?” He hissed, empowered by his own vicous words.   
“Ten fucking years. Ten years stuck in this marriage with you - and don’t deny it I know you feel as much as I do. I know you want this as much as I do.” His voice was calmer - more genuine but still carrying the weight of his fury.

Petra grinned, bursting into laughter. “‘Too much man’ for me? ‘Stuck’ in a marriage with me? Oh Levi,” she sighed happily, though her words were coated in bitterness. “You’re not too much man for anyone. You’re a fucking puff for Christ’s sake!” She laughed, tears of pure rage cornering her eyes.

“This - whatever the fuck this is - is... it’s over Levi.” She snapped, walking out of the room hurriedly, leaving her husband alone in their silent, empty, kitchen. 

He wondered if she meant it. If she really wanted to finish things. Although he felt as though he wanted this, it was strange, part of him twisted and lurched with fear and uncertainty. His job was gone and his marriage was hanging in the balance - his whole life had began falling apart within a couple of days. And however much he’d dreamt of this, the freedom, nothing prepared him for the bitter sting that was the loss of his perfect life. No more restrictions, routines, misery. No more stability, approval, certainty. Everything Levi knew was hanging on a string and he was holding the scissors, ready to cut it all off.


	2. Exposure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really pleased with this chapter and how it came out  
> It also has a lot of info regarding the setting of the fic that I decided REALLY last minute - ignore any inaccuracies in previous chapters.

Levi sat in his study, retreating there after his argument with Petra to think. He had no job and a broken relationship. He felt as though life was in fast forward, he was living every moment but it all went by too fast for him to completely grasp. Something he had expected to take months - or even years - took a matter of days, and that frightened him. Life falling through his hands like sand. Time had passed and he would never get it back; although very obvious, this fact scared him. He wanted to feel in control of things - he wanted things to happen because he decided they should, not by accident.   
Nevertheless, they’d happened and Levi just had to adjust; he’d have to brave the storm to reach the sunshine at the end, though he wondered what that sunshine may be. Although it was unknown, the idea of there being a positive to all the chaos gave him hope. It made him feel better about fucking up. But he also knew that the recent events were partly a reward in themselves : Levi was bored of his mundane life and wanted change, and he got it whether he was prepared or not. At least he didn’t have to feel guilty about deliberately ruining his and Petra’s lives. 

The dark haired man sighed, he had no work to do due to his lack of employment and talking to Petra was completely off the table. He could search for a new job? Go out and drink until he could barely utter his own name?  
But his thoughts were interrupted by the shrill ring of his phone - who would bother calling him now? Petra was in the house and the school had no reason.

Ah, his parents.  
He felt reluctant to answer; he wasn’t fond of his parents - or rather his ‘father’. His father was a cruel, unreasonable man with no real blood relation to Levi - though he was responsible for Levi’s strict upbringing. He began filling the small boys head with his bullshit opinions and absurd rules when he was four. So young yet full of bitterness and hatred.   
But he listened - he did it more for his mother than anyone else, he wanted her to be happy again after the untimely death of his real father, and if all it took was listening to the scum bag, he’d do it. So his ignorant step father taught him right from wrong, how to behave and the basic do’s and don’t’s of life - all heavily seasoned with his own sour ideologies. Levi was to be a presentable, straight, intelligent young man and nothing other than that. But as he grew older so did his anger towards the man that pretended to be his father. Rage grew within him and he wanted to do as much as he could to defy the man.

But his mother. She was different.   
Kuchel Ackerman was a fine lady. She had a strong sense of morality and put care into each and every one of her actions - her only flaw being her taste in men. The dark haired mans biological father may have passed far too soon, but his actions in life mimicked those in death; nothing. His father had done very little to support his wife and son. He cared for them, but took no actions on these feelings, he let other desires overpower the need to provide for his family, and eventually his need to live, too. It was sad but inevitable and resulted in Kuchel’s broken heart and fragile manner.   
Levi adored his mother, she had always tried her best to be there for him in every way possible, whether it be emotional or physical, and he appreciated that. It comforted him to know that he could always count on her. She wasn’t like her current husband, Xavier, she was empathetic and hopeful. She believed in people, trusted them, saw the good in all that surrounded her. She saw the good in Xavier. And although Levi had developed hatred towards the big-headed snob, he tried his best to tolerate it, for her. In his eyes she deserved the world; Levi couldn’t give her this, but he could give her a son to be proud of that didn’t constantly squabble with her husband, so he did.  
However, as years went by she changed, becoming more and more distant towards her son, swayed by Xavier’s views. She would never be as foul natured as him, but she acted as his puppet: she’d do anything if it meant she wouldn’t be alone again. It was sad, really, but it gave Levi more fuel for his fury.

After a few moments of just thinking about answering the phone, he actually did, pressing a single button before putting the chunky device to his ear.

“Hello?” He prayed to hear his mother’s voice on the other end. Her guidance was all he wanted to hear at the moment.

“Levi. Petra’s parents have given us the news.” Xavier’s low, polished voice came through the phone. The sound made Levi cringe in annoyance but he had to wonder..  
“What news?”

“The news that my son is a filthy predator.” Xavier practically spat the words down the phone, the sound of outright disgust accenting his speech. 

“Excuse me?” Levi responded with the same level of disgust, though his voice remained calm and controlled. He never told Petra about the photograph so where had the idea that he was a ‘predator’ come from?

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I just cannot believe it. You taught children, Levi, you influenced children.” The old man stumbled over his words, losing himself in disbelief, “Homosexuals should not be permitted to craft young minds. You know that.”  
So that was what this was about. Not the photograph. Not anything remotely concerning. It was about sexuality. Although Levi did not entertain the idea of homosexuality either, it frustrated him that what he did in the privacy of his bedroom held any importance to his career in teaching. He wasn’t a pedophile - he wasn’t doing anything illegal - so why should it matter? Levi rolled this question around in his mind a few more times before speaking again.

“Well, Yes, I know that. But god, Xavier, have you ever had a cock in your ass? It’s a truly magnificent experience.” Levi purred. Of course, he himself had never had any form of anal sex - as far as he could remember - but he knew it would push his fathers buttons. And he was 100% correct.  
Xavier made several sounds of shock and revulsion, making his emotions acoustic so Levi could feel every single ounce of the shame the man was trying to push on him. “You are a vile human being, Levi Ackerman. We are utterly ashamed to have you as a son. Do not call us back.” And with that the line went dead. Levi smirked, proud of himself because he knew he’d probably ruined the mans evening. And although this pleased him, he couldn’t help but think about what was said. He couldn’t help but think about how he was referred to as a homosexual, and how casually he slipped into that category just to piss off Xavier.  
He shook his head quickly, as if shaking out all the questioning thoughts he had. This wasn’t something he wanted to think about, so he suppressed it and chose not to.   
Pale hands pressed against the polished oak desk kept in his study, supporting him as he rose from his seat to go and shower. He felt dirty.

He and Petra didn’t talk again that night, either. They both knew the other needed time to think and process what was happening, after all this was as fast for Petra as it was for Levi and just as damaging. Neither of them knew what came next but it would have to be something they could agree on. So the next day at breakfast time Petra made the first move. 

“I think... I think you should go to stay with your parents for a while. They live close by and I,” she paused, as if put on the spot and desperately looking for different ways to word her thoughts, “I don’t think I want to keep going with-“ she wiggled her finger between her and Levi “- this.” Even though all of this was her husbands doing, she looked riddled with guilt, as if she was to blame for the breaking of their marriage. Levi wanted to be angry, or a least a little pissed that he was being pushed out of his own home, but he couldn’t muster it. Couldn’t put his energy into it.

“I’ll stay at a hotel or something,” He grumbled, looking across to her, “my parents think I’m a nonce after what your parents told them.”   
Petra didn’t speak, didn’t apologise, she just stood there smirking as if there was humour in the label - as if the accusation was something to laugh about. Levi noticed, but didn’t retaliate, instead he let out a sigh and turned to leave 

“I’ll go tonight.”

...

Erwin had a lot going for him. He was tall, charismatic and intelligent with a jawline to die for. He was most women’s (and some men’s) dream. Though however charming and handsome, he was married; of course - how could a man so gorgeous not be taken?   
Erwin had it all. Coming from a rich German family - his American father earning him the surname ‘Smith’ - he was blessed with an endless supply of money and homes dotted around the globe. He was a real wonder to behold. Though despite his luxurious childhood and ability to buy or do literally anything he wanted whenever he wanted, he did not. His wallet was practically bursting but the blonde giant had long decided the life he wanted to have - he didn’t want to let money get to his head and ruin him as a person - he didn’t want to be ‘that obnoxious rich guy’. So he worked hard, got the right grades and the right degree and became the man he is today: Erwin Smith, principal of the most successful school in the area and loving husband to Amelia Smith, one of the most successful lawyers in the country. He was surrounded by success and made his way there through pure hard work. He was an amazing role model to say the least.  
It was almost unfair - the way his extraordinary blue eyes remained breathtakingly beautiful despite how common the eye colour was. The way the very Germanic bump placed in the centre of his nose only added to the overall raw gorgeousness of his face. Each feature, each flaw, each aspect of his overwhelming appearance and wonderful personality made his mere existence shocking. He really did have everything.  
And yet, sitting at his desk within his dark but cosy office, he felt wrecked and smothered by guilt. Levi had been a strict but excellent teacher - he told things as they were and never sugar coated anything - he told the children what they needed to hear in order to improve. He came across harsh and unempathetic but each thing he did had a reason; every cruel lecture and criticism he gave had a purpose. Whether he enjoyed it or not, he was tremendously good at his job - or what used to be his job.  
The blonde sighed, thinking that perhaps he should have at least tried to keep Levi at the school, to give him justice. Taking the easy way out wasn’t something Erwin did very often, so at the times he did he felt awful about it. He felt like he should have done more. 

Suddenly, Erwin burst out of his seat and took a long stride over to the tall grey filing cabinet that sat in his office, hurriedly pulling out a set of keys and unlocking the top drawer. Chewing his lip, he hurriedly pulled open the drawer, fingers flicking between the dozens of files that were neatly lined up within it; that is, until he found what he was looking for. A smile danced across his lips as he pulled out the file titled ‘LEVI ACKERMAN’ in thick black letters, bringing it back to his desk with him. Upon sitting down, he paused for a moment, considering whether he should really continue to meddle with the smaller man’s life, however this thought was cast aside when he flipped open the folder in search of the man’s phone number. He didn’t think he’d be able to rest comfortably knowing that he’d done nothing to help, and so he called his former colleague in hopes of changing that.

“Hello?” Levi picked up on the first ring, sounding somewhat stressed.

“Hello Mr A- I mean, Levi. Hello Levi. It’s Erwin.” The blonde replied almost hesitantly, internally cursing himself for it. There was a moment of silence after Erwin spoke and he had to wonder what Levi may have been thinking.

“What do you want?” Levi sounded less grumpy than he had before - but of course, it was Levi - so there was still a slight moody accent to his tone.

“I want to help, I said I would. In all fairness I should have tried harder to keep you here, but I suppose it’s too late for that. Sorry.” Erwin almost muttered his words, sounding disappointed in himself. He didn’t want to sit on the phone and babble about how horrible he felt but he couldn’t hide his blatant guilt from the situation.

“Ah... well, yeah that’s alright, I’ll find another job. But how exactly are you going to help?” Erwin was pleased that Levi was allowing him to help at the very least.

“Well,” The blonde paused, thinking of the most polite way to put what he was trying to say, “how are things? Financially speaking, I mean.”

Levi clicked his tongue on the other end, humming out a long sound of uncertainty.  
“They’re.. yeah they’re good.” It sounded like a complete lie - things were stable for now, but Levi knew this wouldn’t be the case within a month or so.

And then Erwin pressed on the issue the smaller man didn’t want to address.  
“And your wife? How has she taken all this?” His voice was soft and gentle, as if carefully stepping over the cracks he’d made in Levi’s life.

The other man could be heard sighing and yet another silence followed it.  
“She’s asked me to stay out of the house for the while.” He didn’t go into further detail, saying as little as he could get away with while still remaining truthful. But Erwin worked out the others approach easily and understood there was a lot more going on than just that. However, he didn’t dig any deeper into that situation.

“Have you got anywhere to go? A friend to stay with?” Even Erwin knew he was pushing it.

“I’m getting a hotel room.” The taller man didn’t like this answer, quickly clapping back with an offer: “Stay with me. I have spare rooms - it wouldn’t be any trouble at all.”  
But as expected, Levi showed his appreciation and politely refused, feeling like a charity of some sort.

“Well just.. consider it at least? I’m calling from my mobile so if you change your mind, please call this number, okay?” Erwin looked sympathetic despite the fact Levi couldn’t see him.

“Of course, goodbye for now.”

The line went dead and Erwin set his ridiculously large 1989 Motorola phone down on the desk, smiling at the promise of another conversation.

...

Levi huffed, pulling his messenger bag stuffed with clothes over his shoulder. He felt a degree of bitterness but he was overall numb. Nothing felt completely real and he had to wonder whether he’d done the right thing - if he really wanted this. If he really wanted a new life. But his mind flickered between Xavier and Petra, what had happened, what had been said; he didn’t want to be around these people. He needed to get away. He needed escape. And as he stood opposite to the front door ready to leave, he saw it, he saw that escape, just within his reach. His hand met the the door handle and he uttered a goodbye before he stepped out into the cool autumn air of late September.

He felt no regret. No guilt. He felt hopeful.

Small yet slim legs carried him quickly to his car and he climbed in, heart racing as he fastened his seatbelt and put the keys in ignition. Things were really about to change after this.  
Life was going to change.   
Soon enough Levi would be 30 and pulled into the promising new decade: the 90s held the next chapter of his life and he was so ready to experience it. However, he had a lot to consider, a lot of unanswered questions sat in his mind. He needed to think about who he really was - other than Petra’s husband and his parents perfect son. Who was he really? How did he really feel? What did he really want? He’d been so blind to things until recently, so desperate for normality that he discarded his own, true emotions. They weren’t something he wanted to think about but he knew that if he didn’t then nothing would change, he’d never feel better. He needed a new perspective, a new attitude.  
And then he paused, keeping the car parked as he picked his shitty, brick-like phone up off the passenger seat.   
Being alone was Levi’s brand, pushing people away and blocking out genuine care was just what he did. And it was doing him no good. So, after a moment of thought, he dialled Erwin’s number, praying that he’d pick up - he did.

“Hello?” Erwin’s smooth, questioning voice came through the phone and Levi smiled, confident that no one would see.

“It’s Levi. What’s your address?”

...

Erwin couldn’t have been more pleased when Levi called to let him know he was coming. He enjoyed the other mans company and especially enjoyed the idea that he was finally being useful. Finally making Levi’s life easier rather than harder. But above all, it warmed his heart to know he had the smaller man’s trust - after letting him down and making him taste the bitter reality of his mistake, Levi still had faith in him. Amelia - his quirky and equally selfless wife - was also thrilled to have Levi with them; after all, she knew how much it meant to Erwin and how severely the whole photograph ordeal had affected him. Everyone would gain something from this decision.

There was no need to prepare for the visit as the blonde’s home was always in immaculate condition with the help of his maid - a kind old woman that was fond of Erwin and was of course paid beyond generously.   
The spare room had already undergone a small tidy up and was awaiting the small man when his fist gently tapped a rhythm on Erwin’s front door.

“Levi! It’s wonderful to see you, come in.” Erwin answered as fast as he could, eager to greet his former colleague and moving aside as he made his way into the spacious house. Levi gave the other a look of content - the happiest he could look without actually smiling. His cheeks were slightly rosy along with the tip of his nose due to the cold weather and for a moment he looked as young as a teen. If it weren’t for the deep, wrinkled bags under his eyes and his sharp bone structure he would have had anyone fooled.

“Oh - uh, thank you for letting me stay here. It means a lot, especially since things have been so hectic lately. It’s nice to-“ have someone to turn to’ the smaller male cut himself off. It was too soon to start going all soft.

“Sorry, I’ve only been here for a minute and I’m already rambling.”

Erwin shook his head and smiled, “No no it’s quite alright, it’s wonderful to finally talk to you outside of the workplace.” He gently closed the door and took Levi’s coat, hanging it up. His charming nature was enough to make anyone blush, but Levi appeared almost indifferent whilst uttering a quiet ‘thank you’.

The raven haired male looked around himself, eyes scanning the interior of Erwin’s gorgeous home. It was very simplistic yet pleasing to look at, the only real decorations in the foyer were two tall, healthy looking plants standing alongside a glass display case containing pictures of Erwin and his wife. Levi furrowed his brows slightly, stepping closer to get a better look; he didn’t know that he had a wife. She was a slim, cheerful looking woman with frizzy, middle-parted chestnut hair and freckles that danced across her face, and Levi scowled noticing from one of the photographs that she - like Erwin - was blessed with long legs that allowed her to be only a centimetre or two shorter than her husband. Damn her. Damn them both for being so tall and glamorous while Levi was just a dull, grumpy shrimp.

“Why didn’t you call me down, blondie!” A female voice sounded from behind where he stood before the display case.

“Because you have work to do.” Erwin chuckled, and when Levi turned he saw the tall man stood beside the beautiful woman from the photos. With both of those tall assholes there he felt like an ant.

“You must be Levi Ackerman! I’m Amelia, its wonderful to finally meet you!” She grinned, holding her hand out to Levi.

“Yeah.” He smiled, allowing her large, tan hand to practically swallow his whole. Christ - she had manlier hands than he did.

Despite Levi’s awkward behaviour, Amelia continued to beam at the small man, her mucky green eyes wide and locked on him. He was uncomfortable to say the least but it was the most warm welcome he’d received for a while - excluding Erwin’s. He felt like the couple were adopting him or something, smirking a little at the humorous idea of it.

“Go and get back to work, you,’ The blonde wrapped an arm around his wife, pulling her away from Levi and back to his side, and just when it seemed as though they might share a small parting kiss, she giggled almost nervously, tapped his nose with her finger and hopped back upstairs. Perhaps she didn’t feel comfortable kissing him in front of a stranger? Who knew.

“Now, Levi, would you like anything to drink? I have tea?” Erwin turned and gestured to what must have been his kitchen.

“Yeah, I am pretty thirsty.”

The rest of Erwin’s house seemed to have the same theme: literally everything was white and there were plants dotted around everywhere - however few enough to allow them to remain tasteful. All of the floors appeared to be freshly polished marble, some rooms brightened with colourful rugs and the main living space containing a glass coffee table, large black sofas and a deep crimson set of curtains reaching from the ceiling to the floor to cover a huge glass wall that looked out onto the Smith’s swimming pool and the backdrop of the sky. Their home was breathtaking to say the least - and Levi still wasn’t sure exactly how many rooms there were.   
‘He must be absolutely fucking loaded’ the small man thought to himself.

What remained of the evening passed by rather quickly, the two men conversing deep into the night until Erwin finally cracked and decided he needed to rest. Before doing so he led Levi to his room, the small man becoming quite surprised that it was somewhat different to the ongoing theme of the practical mansion. The ceiling was high and each wall was decorated with deep shades of red, the floor being completely covered in a smooth black carpet. And as for the minimalist style - it was scrapped. A double bed with black silk sheets sat in the centre of the space, two dark wooden nightstands either side of it. One nightstand held a cream coloured lamp and a shitty looking radio whereas the other one held a used ashtray and a phone. If anything, this room resembled a fancy hotel room more than anything else. And despite the obvious signs that someone had smoked in there, it smelt of nothing but freshly washed sheets and air freshener. Although Levi couldn’t say he would’ve cared, as he was a smoker himself.

“This is your room - please, make yourself at home and get a good nights sleep. I’ll be at home all day tomorrow so if you feel like it, we can discuss your current situation further then, okay?” Erwin smiled sleepily, standing in the doorway as his guest inspected the spare room.

Levi just nodded in response, shooting the blonde a small smile back before muttering a ‘goodnight’ and letting him retreat to bed.

And yet again, Levi was left alone with his thoughts once more.

After stripping down to just his underwear and opening one of the tall windows in the room, he seated himself on the bed and sparked up a cigarette, sighing softly after taking the first drag.

Things were going well; Erwin was amazing, his wife was amazing, his home was amazing, everything about him was amazing and Levi couldn’t help but envy his perfect lifestyle. He wanted to be as happy as the Smiths, he wanted to be as successful as them and live a life as easy as theirs. And he supposed, for the time being, he would be. He almost felt greedy for allowing himself to indulge in the privilege that was Erwin Smith. His lifestyle, his company, his friendship, his smile, his eyes - and Levi paused for a moment, frowning to himself. As a man comfortable with his sexuality, appreciating just how handsome his blonde friend was could be considered nothing but absolutely natural - after all, no one could deny how tremendously attractive he was. But Levi was not that man. He was uncertain of himself and completely out of balance to say the least. And although the thought of it made his stomach turn in disgust, he had to consider that perhaps he wasn’t heterosexual. He had to focus on each and every thing he did now. Had to watch himself. Because, in all honesty, he had no idea who he truly was at this point and this stage in his life, he really didn’t have the time to keep fucking around and ignoring it.

The dark haired male quietly groaned in frustration and stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray beside the bed - he could think about this tomorrow, he had no energy to continue with it right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m annoyed I couldn’t make this a bit more lengthy because I wanna get into doing 4000 words per chapter but I have so much shit to do and I don’t wanna leave yall waiting for AGES so AAAAA - as always criticism and feedback is always appreciated


	3. Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY something - but not really

Soft sunlight peaked through the gap in the spare room’s curtains, gently pulling Levi from his deep sleep and into the new day. A small exhale passed his thin lips as he rose from his spot on the bed, blinking the sleep from his eyes and walking off to the en-suite bathroom to shower. It was strange for him to feel so.. well rested? He was so used to losing sleep and taking midnight showers that he’d forgotten how unhealthy it all was. He hadn’t been able to enjoy a morning properly in years, not with how tired he’d been and his need to always avoid Petra. He could seriously get used to this.

But all good things come to end and soon he had to leave the shower and mentally prepare himself for the conversation with Erwin. He reluctantly padded out of the en suite with a sigh, towel hanging over his neck as he rubbed away the remnants of his shower.

 

“Levi are you up? Is it okay to come in?” Levi nearly jumped out of skin at the sound of Erwins voice on the other side of the bedroom door.

“Yeah - wait hang on” He hurriedly replied, beginning to walk to his bag to get some clothes.

And suddenly, the blonde burst into the room, already rushing into his next sentence, not even noticing the state of his former colleague until a moment or two had passed.

“What the fuck?” The smaller man snapped, quickly snatching off the towel around his neck so he could use it to cover himself up.

Erwin paused and looked sheepish for a second before he began shaking with laughter.  
“Oh god! I thought when you said ‘yes’ you meant that I could come in!” He chuckled, his large form now slumped against the door frame.

Levi just stared in disbelief. Was this man completely oblivious to the situation? Or was he just that comfortable with him already? Either way, the dark haired male couldn’t keep a scowl from crawling across his face.

“What are you just standing there for? Get out!” His words were harsh but Erwin took them as he always did.

“Okay okay, sorry. I’ll see you downstairs - I’ll make coffee.” He smiled on his way out, leaving his friend to himself once more.

Once the door was completely shut Levi cracked a smirk. Even when he acted out towards the other, there was no retaliation, no hate in his actions. Erwin seemed to understand that this was just how he was and did nothing to change it. That caused Levi’s chest to warm slightly. What a simply beautiful friend he had made - they hadn’t been friends for long and he already felt much closer to Erwin than he ever had a lot of people. Perhaps its because he never tried to be close to anyone else, and in return nobody tried to get close to him? After all, no one he had ever known had ever pushed as much as Erwin. Levi’s shitty attitude caused people to give up after a while because he came across so.. ungrateful. People did try to make the man feel happier, to add something to his life, but it always felt as though he didn’t care. It seemed as though he looked down upon every person he met, belittled them without even trying.

But that wasn’t the case. It never was.

He was just afraid of those people. Those people that - without a cause or a reason to - pushed to make each moment of Levi’s life more enjoyable. He couldn’t understand how or why they did the things they did. And could not even begin to imagine what he may have done to deserve it.  
So he never reacted. He didn’t want to encourage their kindness nor did he want to discourage them, because in the end, he didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t know what to do when people were kind to him. So he remained indifferent. And each time he did, each time he seemed to completely disregard someone’s genuine care, they began to give up. Began to stop caring for him. Because nothing seemed to please Levi Ackerman.

And so, people left him. People let him be the miserable asshole he seemed so desperate to be.

And each time, they left before Levi knew how to handle what they’d done for him. 

They left before he could open up and show them that he did care, deep down.  
But Erwin never showed discouragement from Levi’s words. He never behaved differently towards him. He just... understood?

Levi didn’t want to lose him. Not someone this important.  
And he wouldn’t.  
...

 

Erwin yawned a little, pouring the last of the coffee into his favourite mug before seating himself at the island in the centre of his fancy-looking kitchen. He’d barely slept, nightmares disturbing his slumber once again. They didn’t come often, but when they did, they hit hard and the large man found himself being unable to cope at times due to the exhaustion of it all.

 

“Save any coffee for me?” He almost jumped out of his skin when Amelia came rushing through the open door, one arm twisted in her coat and the other carrying her car keys.

“No, sorry, I only made enough for me and Levi.” He flashed her a tired, guilty smile.

“Oh its okay!” She grinned, ruffling his hair, “Just make sure everything’s tidy by the time I’m home, okay? I think Rosie has some sort of family emergency so she won’t be here to clean.”

Erwin frowned slightly, “What’s the special occasion- to clean for, I mean.”

She rolled her eyes in amusement, “I’m bringing my sister over for the evening!” She cheerfully reminded him. He nodded in response, remembering how she had told him the day before.

“Sorry, I forgot, Ive not slept well” The blonde apologised, but his wife had already zipped out of the door.

Knowing that her sister didn’t live too far, Erwin assumed they’d probably be home in 40 minutes - when left alone together they often got easily distracted by shops and cafes so assuming that they stopped off somewhere, 40 minutes was the very least amount of time they would take.

And then he was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of Levi padding into the room. Despite having a full nights sleep, he looked as tired as Erwin; large browny-purple bags sat beneath his eyes, emphasising just how bright they were at times. The small man wore his usual tight fitting black trousers and large red sweater - a wise choice considering how cold it was becoming recently.

“I made the coffee like I said” The blonde smiled and painted towards the cup on the counter, “I didn’t put any sugar or milk in it because I wasn’t sure how you like it.”

Levi shuffled over to the cup Erwin had pointed to, beginning to alter it to his liking.  
“You look tired” he muttered.

The larger man shrugged despite the fact the other had his back turned to him, “I didn’t sleep very well.”

Once he was done fiddling with his drink, the dark haired man joined Erwin at the island, taking a large sip of coffee before speaking again.

“That’s shit.”

His voice was devoid of sympathy, but the blonde knew that was what Levi was trying to put across. He almost smirked at the man’s attempt to comfort him - most would be annoyed but he could only find it humorous.

“Did you sleep well?” Erwin shifted his gaze from his coffee cup to his handsome house guest.

Levi displayed an emotion that he could only describe as extreme content before nodding softly.  
“Yeah, I did. It’s nice here”

And at that Erwin recalled the conversation they were supposed to be having - involving just how long his stay would be. It’s not as if they didn’t have the room, after all, and the blonde enjoyed his company for the most part.  
“I’m glad you like it. You’re welcome to stay as long as you want”

He saw the small man’s face wrinkle in confusion.  
“Why?” He mumbled.

“What do you mean ‘why’?” Erwin rose a thick brow.

“Why’re you being so nice? Ive done nothing for you. You act like I’m great company but we both know I’m not - I don’t even try to joke around or make decent conversation. I’m not putting myself down, just stating facts.” Levi shrugged, watching Erwin’s expression change from one of confusion to a look of deep thought.

He had a point. Although Erwin had felt as though he owed him, that was all. There was no other reason for his generosity. They weren’t exactly as close as Erwin made out they were, nor did they have much in common. Levi was snappy, bratty and outright rude. But Erwin liked him nonetheless. It was difficult to come by people like him; he was brutally honest and had absolutely no filter. He said what he felt whether he thought someone would like it or not. He was his own, unique, person. Erwin admired that.  
“Keep questioning my decisions like that and maybe I wont be so nice.” Erwin joked, though his tone sounded almost completely serious. It was enough to worry Levi, who had fallen silent on his side of island, admitting defeat. Erwin suppressed the urge to laugh at him. He was like a stroppy teen.

“Im kidding,” he finally chuckled when Levi still hadn’t caught on. “But honestly, you can stay for as long as you’d like. I have the room and you’re no trouble-“

“Smith, I’ve barely been here a day.” The small man interrupted, raising a brow at him.

Erwin lowered his gaze and smiled to himself. “I’m sorry, its just nice to have someone else around.”

“Jesus, if you’re that lonely then why don’t you ‘n the wife just have a kid?” Levi snickered - though this came to a halt when he peered up from his coffee cup to see that Erwin was not amused.

“Sorry. Touchy subject?” He continued cautiously, obviously wanting to check his boundaries.

It was something Erwin avoided thinking about, really. It wasn’t as if there was some tragic tale connected to it or a horrid memory; it was just difficult. Neither him nor Amelia were extremely eager to have children, but it was something they both considered for the future. However, that’s where the problems jumped in.  
Erwin and Amelia had made love perhaps.. once? Throughout their whole marriage. And whenever he suggested they do it again, his wife would laugh or change the subject. She was deliberately awkward about it.  
Erwin wondered why.  
But thinking about it made him feel strange. Made him feel a deep sense of regret. Though he wasn’t sure what said regret was for just yet.

So he didn’t think about it.

“Are you done with your drink? Ill clean the cups.” Erwin broke the silence, rising from his seat with a smile as if nothing had happened.  
Levi looked confused but nodded nonetheless, handing the blonde man his cup.

And the rest of their time alone together held nothing but cleaning and small talk. Erwin felt guilty - like Levi said - he’d only been here for a day and Erwin had already killed the atmosphere. The last thing he wanted to do was make Levi uncomfortable but he couldn’t bare to go into details about it. About how much of a failure he really felt. He couldn’t satisfy his wife and made his house guest fell like a nuisance. However, thinking this only made him feel worse; Levi had lost everything, he had no job and no where to go, no where to turn to. And here he was: feeding anxiety with his insignificant problems. He felt like a fool. How could such little things make him blind to all the good around him? Erwin had all he could have ever dreamed of and yet he still behaved like a child. He felt ashamed that he had modelled this behaviour in front of Levi so suddenly after such a short time in his residence. He promised himself it would never happen again. Erwin Smith had everything; the perfect life. But with all of his wealth and all of the wonders he had experienced.

Why did he feel so empty?

...

 

Levi had been truly dumbfounded by Erwin and Amelia's kind nature, feeling somewhat out of place in the quirky, happy, household.  
He felt like a rain cloud in a clear sky.

But now that feeling was intensified. He didn't think he could be surrounded by any more positiviity than he already was. He was wrong.

"Wonderful to meet you!" A tall, tan, brunette woman jabbed her hand out before him with the biggest grin Levi had ever seen in his life. She looked similar to Amelia, more than Levi had initially expected; they shared the same large nose and slim figure. However, this woman had hazel eyes covered by thick rimmed glasses.  
She stank of coffee.

Levi looked her up and down, gave a small smile as to not be rude, and shook her hand. He didn't think a woman could have manlier hands than Amelia but somehow she had achieved it.

"Levi, this is my sister, Hanji." Amelia piped up from her place beside them, gesturing to the other large woman.  
Hanji nodded so fast that Levi could only frown in a state of concern.

"Yup! That's me! Bet my sisters told you all about me!" She chuckled, eyes bouncing between her sister and the small man. 

"No. I've never heard of you." Levi's monotone voice brought Hanji to a halt, a childish sulk growing on her face as she turned to look at Amelia.

But within seconds it was gone.

"Anyway! It's super nice to meet you, Amelia told me all about you on the way here you sound, uh, great!" She spoke so fast that nobody in the room fully understood what she had said.  
So Levi just nodded slowly, pulling away his hand and muttering 'that's nice'.

Erwin - who had been silent this whole time - watched the two with a smile plastered on his face. He was rather fond of Hanji - she was her very own ball of sunshine and he could really respect someone who managed to be so full of life at what seemed a constant. It was more than he could manage.

"Well, shall I make some tea?" He finally spoke up after a prolonged silence.

Levi nodded, opening his mouth to agree but being immediately interrupted.

"Do you have coffee?" Hanji practically bounced on the spot. Evidently, she'd already had enough coffee to last her a week.

"Um," Erwin paused, looking to Amelia for help.

"No, no we don't."

It didn’t take long for the group to settle around the glass coffee table in the lounge with drinks, all chattering amongst each other. Levi was completely out of his element, making nervous glances in Erwin’s direction when he found difficulty in speaking for himself. Needless to say, he wasn’t used to such a social atmosphere. However, his blonde companion was aware of this and subtly guided him through the conversation. His selflessness almost brought Levi to a point of embarrassment at times.  
And with that, an hour had passed them by and they were all becoming quite fond of one another, jokes and interests filling lively discussion.

“Gosh,” Amelia smiled, “We’re all out of tea, ill go fetch some more drinks?” She rose from her seat and began to head towards the kitchen.

“I’ll come with.” Erwin moved forward and wrapped an arm around his wife as they walked. At this she just nodded, awkwardly slipping from his grasp, clearly uncomfortable.

“What the fuck was that?” Levi quietly mumbled to Hanji; this had already happened several times during his reasonably short stay and he was getting sick of wondering why. He wasn’t sure whether he’d get answers from the loopy woman, but it was definitely worth a try.

Fulfilling his hopes, Hanji’s expression became far more serious, which meant she knew something, at the very least. Her brows wrinkled into a frown and she peered over at the doorway, ensuring the couple were definitely out of hearing range.

“It’s.. its rather complex.” She began with a sigh. “My sister, well, she-“

“Does she not love him?” The small man interrupted, a thin, questioning brow raised.

“No no no, I do think she loves him, platonically speaking.” She chewed her lip, thinking of how to word her thoughts.  
“Her interests just sway more towards.. women? I suppose?” Hanji’s face broke into a horrifically awkward grin. Considering the very low level of tolerance of their time, this was a very open confession. One could only assume that Hanji had heard why Levi had lost his job and come to the conclusion that perhaps he was gay too. Which was most certainly not the case.

“Oh. Right.” Levi replied, shaken more by the effects this may have on Erwin than the idea of homosexuality, for the time being.

“Does Erwin know?”

Hanji hesitated, hearing the couple getting closer from the other side of the doorway.  
“Let’s just say; he knows, she knows, they’re both as straight as a round-a-bout. Their relationship is a facade.” She whispered before sitting straight and grinning at her sister and brother-in-law as they entered the room.

Levi couldn’t help but sit in shock. This whole time he’d unknowingly been sitting around drinking tea with a couple of gays. He’d put all of his trust in Erwin; told him his problems, fears, flaws, let him in so early into their friendship that he’d almost worried himself. Was that all a lie? Was his former-colleague really who he said he was? Perhaps his marriage wasn’t the only part of an impressive facade? His whole life was a facade. He had admired him so much, even envied his lifestyle and success, only to discover that it was all tainted by sodomy and a total lack of morality. Erwin was not the epitome of success and perfection. He was the epitome of dishonesty and sin.

And yet he couldn’t lead himself to hate him. He was angry and disgusted but, somehow still attached to the man that now sat before him, holding out a cup of tea.

Levi snapped back into reality, warily taking the tea from the other man in silence, neglecting any of the polite behaviour he had previously displayed. He wasn’t calm enough for that yet.

And yet again, conversation started up once more, Levi’s silence going unnoticed by the two nattering women beside him. Though, as the day faded into the early afternoon, Erwin’s gaze became increasingly heavy on the smaller man, confusion and anxiety drawn out on his face.

“Levi, you’ve been quiet, are you okay?” He finally spoke and the black haired male almost flinched at his words, his voice ringing in his ears.

“I’m just tired.” He lied - and Erwin had seen right through it.

“It’s only 4:30.” He replied, sounding more blunt than Levi had previously thought was possible.

"Whats wrong, Levi."

He shifted in his seat, his mind racing, searching for ways to get out of the situation. But Erwin was too smart for him. 

"Just, not now. We can talk about it later."

Erwin's face twisted into a slight frown - something rare to anyone that wasn’t a student - and his hands tightened on his knees. His eyes then shifted between the women and Levi for a moment before he spoke up again.

"Me and Levi will be right back, we have some personal affairs to discuss" he muttered, rising to his feet and shooting a commanding glance at the smaller man.

Levi shuddered.  
But he followed nonetheless.

The blonde took long strides through the house, remaining completely silent the entire time. This gave Levi time to think about his next move; but he went braindead. Nothing was coming to mind and his time was beginning to run out. And before he could even register it, they were in what appeared to be a study.

There was a large mahogany desk in the centre of the room, holding intimidating amounts of paperwork and an old looking lamp. The walls here were different too, less white. Instead they were painted a deep shade of red that verged on brown - similar to the guest room. Perhaps Erwin had picked this colour himself? Though, Levi didn’t have much time to linger on the thought as Erwin was already staring down at him in front of the closed door, arms crossed.

“Now, tell me, what is this all about?” There was still a hint of anger in his tone.

“There’s nothing wrong, really. I want to go back now.” Levi avoided eye contact, motionless under the blondes blue stare.

“Stop lying to me Levi. This isn’t fair - I’ve opened my home to you and you’re lying to me alread-“

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any disrespect, I’m just,” Levi interrupted and began hesitating and tripping on his words.

“You’re, fuck... you’re gay?” He finally blurted out, the statement seeming almost humorous upon delivery.

And just like that, Erwin grew pale, taking a few steps back. Panic began to sit across his sharp features, causing his handsome face to display more distress than Levi could have ever imagined.  
He looked utterly pitiful.  
And it was Levi’s fault.

“I’m sorry Levi, I-I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry,”

And just as quickly as the taller man’s anxiety had sunk in,  
Levi began to feel an intense sense of guilt.

Any of Levi’s previous rage began to break down and melt away at the image of the man before him; he looked terrified. He was living in a world full of hatred and violence, and he was a target. He was living this lie out of fear and shame - and if his pained expression wasn’t enough to tell Levi this, it was his hurried, anxious apologies. After all, What was there really to be sorry about? Levi couldn’t say he agreed with it, but his upbringing didn’t open such outright acceptance to him. He couldn’t understand what made it wrong, but he was raised to believe that it was. It was embedded within him as an unspoken law.

And after a moment of thought, the small man rested a hand on Erwin’s large, muscular arm, meeting his eyes with a sympathetic gaze.

“It’s fine. I won’t tell anyone.” He wanted to smile, reassure him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, not yet.  
“You’re a good man Erwin, you deserve to be where you are. You’ve worked for it and I won’t take that from you. I don’t have the right to.”

The blonde’s face lit up with shock and obvious happiness. It seemed as though Levi’s approach was extremely uncommon.

“Thank you, Levi. This truly means the world to me.” Erwin covered the other man’s cold, pale hand with his own.

“ I am unbelievably lucky to have you as a friend.” His face was surprisingly composed in comparison to the intensity of his words and despite feeling somewhat embarrassed by Erwin’s sappy confession, Levi found himself scanning it with his eyes for a few seconds. But those seconds rapidly turned into minutes and within that time neither of the two men had spoken a single word. Though, the silence was comfortable and he’d be lying if he suggested that it wasn’t.  
And in time, he noticed the cerulean eyes he had been watching just moments ago skimming over him bit by bit.  
He felt closer than he had before.  
The hand Levi had rested onto his former colleague’s arm flinched in the heated atmosphere and he could feel Erwin tensing beneath his finger tips.  
He let his mind wander as the larger man grew even closer, his discomfort towards the situation slowly becoming out-weighed by the strange increase of pounding he felt in his chest. He couldn’t bring himself to care about his views at this point, not when he was face to face with Erwin’s broad, firm chest.

Levi’s nimble fingers slid from the taller man’s arm to his chest, a sharp breath drawing past his lips at the sensation.

He was losing himself.

“Erwin, I -“ he cut himself off with a shaky breath, his eyes steadily travelling to the man’s lips.

“ I don’t want to ruin this.” He finally finished, moving his hand back down to his side. He knew the regret he’d feel would come between them and he wasn’t quite ready for that, especially not when they were becoming so close in terms of friendship. They weren’t teenagers, they couldn’t just fuck around to see what would happen. They were adults with bigger things to worry about than sexual activity. He wasn’t prepared to throw away his morals in a bout of pure lust and desire. After all, he wasn’t gay and he shouldn’t have been so willing to entertain the idea.

Erwin stepped back with a humoured sigh and smiled, “of course.”  
He was so calm and polite that it hurt.

“Let’s get back to the others.”

And with that, the men left the dark study, both heavily influenced by the previous events. Both wanted to be sure in their thoughts that it wouldn’t happen again, but they both knew that was something that couldn’t be promised. Not when Erwin was so bereft of contact and Levi was so curious. But in the end, the blonde’s reputation sat upon it, and that was something neither of them could afford to ruin. 

But Levi was quite happy with taking risks.

After sitting back down beside Hanji and Amelia, things went back to normal - as much as they could, anyway. Levi joined the conversation again and suppressed his urge to exchange knowing glances with the blonde. Though it was urges like this that caused knots to form in the pit of his stomach, ties of pure repulsion, or at least that’s what he thought it was.  
But the night went on, Levi’s compressed feelings of revolt going unnoticed by those around him, which was a relief. He wasn’t sure he could be bothered with much more drama that evening. And luckily, there wasn’t.

... 

It didn’t take long for a week to fly by in the house; Erwin maintaining his strict work routine whilst Amelia attended a trial or two throughout the week, but doing most of her work within her study at the house. Levi became quickly accustomed to it, waking up early to meet Erwin in the kitchen so they could share coffee with one another, discussing work, overall normal stuff. The small man may have lost his job but he hadn’t lost his ability, and often found himself helping Erwin through heaps of paperwork so he’d have at least a little time to relax. Though he couldn’t help the feeling of uselessness within him. He had no work of his own and couldn’t even attempt to clean during the week due to the maids impressive speediness and skill. In the meantime he just tried to busy himself with books and occasional job hunting.  
Petra nor his parents had tried to contact him since the incident, the wounds still very fresh for them, but Levi couldn’t find it in him to care. If anything he missed his mother and wondered what she may think of him now, what lies had made their way to her through Xavier and Petra’s folks. It hurt to think that she may dislike him for his actions, even if it was only temporary. He could only hope that he still had value to her. After all, he was her only child and she had put all of her energy into giving him the best in life; his recent actions made it seem as though he was throwing it all back into her face. 

It was shit. But he tried not to think about it.

As for Erwin, aside from work and mundane conversations here and there, they hadn’t spoken. There was obvious tension growing after their last intimate discussion and neither of them had wanted to address it. But when living together, it was quite hard to avoid. 

It was Friday night, Levi was spending his 8th night in the Smith residence and only him and Erwin were in the house, Amelia visiting her main office to drop off paperwork - or whatever the fuck lawyers do. They were sat in Erwin’s study, as they usually were in the evenings, reading over reports and schoolwork. The mock exams would be starting in the new year so it had become absolutely crucial that all work was done, so the least Levi could do in return for the blondes generosity was help with it.

“Thank you, Levi. Your help with all this really is appreciated.” Erwin’s voice was smooth and projected the genuine gratitude behind his words despite the strange formality of them. This was the most emotion he’d displayed all week.

“You’re welcome, i mean, its not like I’m doing anything else.” The smaller man’s voice was deep and wore none of the care that Erwin’s had, but they both knew it was there.

Erwin simply nodded in response, his fingers flicking over what must of been hundreds of reports that he and Levi had worked their way through. There was a tense air to the room.

“Levi,” he started, unsure of what he wanted to say, but knowing that he had to say something for the lump of uncertainty in his throat to disappear.

Do you dislike me? The words wouldn’t come out, he felt like a child. But he had to speak, after all, he’d already started.

“If you would rather not be here, around me and Amelia, I,” He sighed, rubbing his forehead, “I have homes elsewhere that you can stay in.”

He could already feel Levi’s glare on him, piercing his skull.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He practically spat his words.  
“Even if I didn’t want to be here, that’d be my problem, not yours. I would go and find somewhere - it’s not your responsibility to baby me. I don’t care if it’s guilt or whatever the fuck it is. You need to stand up for yourself, Erwin.” Levi looked directly into the other man’s cerulean hues, his stare intense but kind-natured.

Erwin visibly shuddered under Levi’s stare.

“I’m sorry I di-“

“Why are you apologising? Seriously, fuck, Erwin-“ Levi struggled to even comprehend the other man’s pure lack of self regard; sat in a state of absolute bewilderment on his seat beside the blonde.

He finally settled on his words, “You’re amazing, Erwin, don’t underestimate yourself.”

After that they shared a long silence, watching each other. Levi was a cold, strict, unreadable man, he wasn’t open about what he felt with many people unless it was feelings of utter hatred. So after their last conversation and now this one, Erwin was more than a little surprised to say the least. He was in awe.

“Thank you, Levi.”

“No problem.” 

They went back to work.

And just like that, time continued to pass, yet another week slipping through their hands. Amelia continued with her usual work, Hanji dropped a few calls here and there, and Erwin was... Erwin. Levi had caught a flu over the time but was just as quickly recovering, his immune system not quite giving up on him just yet. No word from Petra or Kuchel. Things were alright. 

But the tension continued to grow, as if neither of the men could quite get rid of it. They sat closer to one another, became more physical in their passing conversations, gentle shoves and playful whacks. They were learning more and more about each other with each day they spent together. Levi learnt that his gigantic friend was a huge fan of Wham!, owned countless holiday homes and had given more money to charity than Levi had probably earnt throughout his entire teaching career. The small man leaned more towards the gloomy side of ‘new wave’ music but could appreciate the blonde’s taste; it was happy, it suited him.

They spent hours talking. They’d listen to Erwin’s countless records and drink deep into the night. They’d discuss interests and Levi’s unfulfilled passion for art. Anything they could talk about really.  
Just to be close to one another.  
Just for the rush of adrenaline that came from Erwin’s ocean-filled gaze or Levi’s bright, silvery stare.  
Just to feel.

These conversations and heavy drinking put Erwin further behind in his work, so it wasn’t long until he and Levi found themselves side by side working on test results and practice exams once again. But neither of them could really say they minded it.

However, the closer they got, the worse Levi felt. The heavier the shame in his chest became. The harder he scrubbed away his filthy fantasies in the shower. The more he began to spin out of control.  
His midnight showers returned, but this time not out of boredom, but out of fear and uncertainty. Was there a hell? Would Erwin be punished there after death? Would he be punished there after death? Were human mistakes worthy of an afterlife full of suffering? He wanted answers, answers he’d never receive from the silent god that hung over his head, taunting him, condemning him.  
He didn’t know what was real anymore and if he should care about it.  
Was religion worth the constant dread of punishment, the uneasiness, the apprehension.

He’d never know. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. It’s not like death would be taking him anytime soon, so why give a fuck.

And he didn’t. 

He could repent later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw my tumblr is @ souriellle - i post chapter updates and dumb art there


	4. Symptoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After going over this fic ive only just realised HOW MANY MISTAKES were in there - please keep in mind I’m writing this alone and I don’t have anyone to check my shit so I’m kind of just, pushing along I guess? Anywho, its all fixed and some parts have been rewritten so hopefully things will go up from here!
> 
> Also the song mentioned in this chapter is Somebody by Depeche Mode

Shit.

He’d forgotten and he’d been living there for almost three weeks. How could he have forgotten. What a fucking shitstain.

His eyes darted to the tiny clock on his nightstand, sighing with relief when he noticed it was still only 4:36am; he had an hour and a half before Erwin got up. Plenty of time. Part of him never wanted to leave the warm silky sheets of the guest room bed, but life had its demands and he couldn’t ignore them. Especially not today.

He got up, fully awakened by his previous state of mild panic. Even in different circumstances, he probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep again. Comfy sheets couldn’t shake a lifetime of insomnia.  
The small man threw his legs over the side of the bed with a grumpy, tired groan.

It was cold today.

He rose to his feet, lazily shuffling to the bathroom in a dark tank top and boxers, right on the verge of shivering.

Far too cold.

The en suite was shockingly big and beautifully cleaned, large white shelves holding copious amounts of soaps, shampoos and conditioners: he was blessed. After taking in the gorgeous room for the billionth time, all it took was a quick strip and the turning of a dial and there was nothing but heat, countless drops of warm water bursting from the shower head all at once. It made Levi flinch at first, the heat shocking his icy cold skin, but it didn’t take long for him to adjust. And then he just thought; thought about his day, the time he’d shared with the couple, Erwin. All of the things that the man had done for him, his kind gestures, his voice, his smile, his eyes. The definition of his jaw and cheekbones when he smiled, the way his muscles visibly flexed under his clothes.

Levi felt his legs shudder beneath him, losing his balance after momentarily forgetting he was in the shower. He took a slow, steady breath, brushing wet hair from his forehead.  
Intrusive thoughts would be the death of him.

After a few more minutes of washing himself to perfection, he got out, grabbing himself a white custom made Egyptian cotton towel from the huge cupboard in the en suite. Erwin was a tremendously rich bastard.

He began drying himself off, the morning air beginning to nip at his skin once more. So fucking cold. The small man bit his lip and hurriedly made his way back to the bedroom where his bag sat. It was a fairly large, leather bag, big enough to fit half of his clothes in, at least.  
Thin fingers reddened by the cruel temperature dove into it, searching for something nice, but not too formal. Today was special, but not exactly a formal event.  
He settled on his typical black turtle neck and slim fitting black trousers. He’d live in them if they never got dirty.

That reminded him, he needed to pick up clothes from his own house. That could wait, though. Today wasn’t for him, after all.

He checked the time: 4:57am. He was doing well.  
He pulled on the clothes he’d picked out and zipped up his bag.  
Now he had to fix his situation. But with it being so early and his bank account being reasonably dry, it was going to be difficult.

A note.  
It would have to do for now. At least it was better than nothing.

...

Erwin roused from a dreamless sleep at around 5:45am, stretching the muscles in his arms before turning to leave the bed. It was dark out and cold but it didn’t bother him too much. He stood up in his room - one he did not share with Amelia for obvious reasons - and let out a yawn, padding over to his very own en suite. With his money he could probably get an en suite for every single room in the house.  
Once reaching his destination he pissed, shaved and showered. Erwin didn’t tend to spend long in the shower, he usually just did what he needed to do and got out. But today was different, he found himself stood under the flowing water, deep in thought.

He was 40 today.  
He wasn’t getting any younger but he found himself still behaving like a child. The way he was around Levi, his actions were always that of a nervous teenager. How could such a tall, built man be so afraid? Is that what the world had reduced him to? A paranoid homosexual with the mental age of 16? It was sad, how a man so intelligent and brave could become so small and pathetic in the eyes of the world around him. All it took was a simple label and he was nothing. Just another disgusting fruit.  
He sighed, he felt strange. He hoped that perhaps it would pass as the day went on and stepped out of his shower.

Once dressed, wearing his usual black slacks and white dress shirt, he made his way downstairs to meet Levi.

But he wasn’t there. Perhaps he was asleep?  
However, this thought quickly died when he spotted two cups of coffee on the counter; beside them sat a note:

_Erwin,_

_Thanks for helping me, I know I’ve been a lazy fuck and I’m_  
still jobless but I’m working on that, I promise. I’ll be as useful  
as I can until I find something but i hope it’s enough for the time  
being.  
I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like  
you, but it must have been in a past life or some shit because  
I’m sure as hell I’ve never done anything worthy of you.  
Sorry for being a sappy, miserable shit all the time.

_Happy birthday,  
And thank you_

_Levi._

Erwin grinned at the other man’s words, not exactly delicate but meaningful; purely Levi. It warmed his heart to think that he’d even considered doing anything for him at all - that he’d even remembered. He didn’t show it in the same way Erwin did, but the blonde believed Levi had a kind heart, too. It was just surrounded by walls of fear and insecurities. He’d love to break them. To see who was underneath it all.

“Sorry, I went for a shit.” Erwin’s thoughts were interrupted.

He let out a small laugh, turning to Levi and handing him his coffee, the note already tucked safely into his pocket.

They shared a silence.

“Where’s Amelia? S’she not coming to give the birthday boy a pat on the back?” Levi drawled from behind his coffee cup.

Erwin smiled, shaking his head in response.  
“No, I’m afraid she’s away with business. She left at around 2am last night. I don’t suppose she’ll be back for a few days.”

Levi rolled his eyes at this. The relationship was fake, yes, but she could at least try to play into it, after all, Erwin had.

“So, d’you have any plans for tonight? I s’pose Mike and the boys from work have got something planned.” The dark-haired man continued, eyes on his house mate.

Yet again, Erwin shook his head.

“Sour fucks.” He spat, the words reserved for himself.  
“Then we should go out somewhere. Get some drinks or something.” The suggestion was backed up with bitterness towards Erwin’s careless friends.

Erwin wanted to object, emphasising just how much work he still had to do, but it was pointless trying to argue with Levi. He always won.  
So he agreed and they continued their morning as usual; drinking coffee, brushing their teeth, and going their separate ways, Erwin going to work and Levi doing... whatever the fuck he did whilst he waited for him to come back.

He’d read countless books in the weeks of his stay, finishing another within a few hours of Erwin’s leaving: Love in the time of Cholera. A book describing the passionate love of Florentino and Fermina. But with time Fermina marries a successful doctor and leaves Florentino behind. Despite this, Florentino waits for her, and 50 or so years later, they meet again.  
Levi didn’t care much for the book, it just catered to his hindering loneliness. It did make him think, though. The idea of loving someone so much that you’d waste 50 years of your life just waiting to be with them. The idea of such raw, strong emotions. It intrigued him.

After finishing his book he went to his weekly routine of checking the papers for job openings, but still nothing. It all felt pretty hopeless at the moment, but he’d continue to check in the future. Even if he could only find something that was small and paid poorly, at least then he’d be able to pay some form of rent. He didn’t want to take advantage of Erwin’s generosity.

But he’d just have to wait.

Then he remembered - clothes. He needed to pick up clothes from Petra. He’d previously pushed the idea aside for the day, but Erwin wasn’t even home again until 4pm so he had a few hours to get shit done. He’d rather get it out of the way than bumble around in Erwin’s house like a useless blob. And so he went upstairs and finally emptied the contents of his bag into the empty closet of the guest room, something he’d previously been reluctant to do. It was confirmation that he’d be here for much longer than intended. He didn’t like that assumption. He didn’t want to settle into a life that could fall away at any moment.  
With that, he grabbed his keys along with his now empty bag and set off downstairs, out of the house and towards his black, 1982 Ford Sierra. It was pathetic and outdated in comparison to Erwins large, luxurious Cadillac Seville, but luckily that was gone so he didn’t have to feel sorry for himself about it.  
Once hopping into his car he threw his bag onto the passenger seat, belting up and checking himself in his mirror. He looked tired. Hollow, pale and purpling under the eyes. Chapped lips, messy hair. He shrugged it off, shoved the keys into ignition, turned them and drove off.

He was anxious to say the least, the idea of seeing Petra again making his stomach twist and his head spin. He wasn’t ready for the confrontation, the anger, accusations. He didn’t want to be in that house again, reminded of his mistakes and the ultimate failure that became his life. To his advantage, Petra wasn’t aware he was freeloading in Erwin’s mansion-like home, so that was one less thing she could use against him. But even so, he hadn’t attempted to make contact in the past few weeks either and he feared that perhaps that’s what she had been expecting: the man to make his move. Unbeknownst to her, her unemployed, disappointment of a husband was too busy indulging in the company of his gay former colleague to talk to her. She’d fucking hate that.

The drive was a reasonably long one, Erwin’s big-ass house being pretty cut off from the busy city that housed the school and Levi’s home. But it wasn’t too bad, at the very least it gave the small man time to plan his words, work out what he’d say in the worst case scenario. It was a shame he’d have to even think about that. A shame that two adults couldn’t act their age and be civil with one another.

He parked outside the house for the first time in what felt like months. He felt nostalgic towards something that he’d barely had time to miss.  
Weird.

He took his bag in hand and popped his keys in his pocket, letting out a quiet sigh of dread before opening the car door and stepping out into the cold once more. He didn’t want to go back, but he’d already come this far. He couldn’t turn away now.  
Levi’s small legs carried him warily to his front door, and after a moment of hesitation, he knocked on it.

She answered almost immediately.

She wasn’t as tired as he was, if anything she looked healthier than she did when he’d last seen her. Less stressed. Younger, almost.

“Why are you here?” She questioned and Levi almost laughed in her face, amused by her attitude.  
They never agreed that he’d never come back, in fact, he was only supposed to be at a hotel for a few days. The fact she had the audacity to question his return was shocking to him, to the point of entertainment.  
Maybe she had her reasons? Maybe she’d moved on already?

“I’m here to pick up some more clothes,” he started, deciding to speak his mind and pry, “ plus, I never officially moved out, why wouldn’t I come back?”

Her face twisted at his sour tone and she moved to the side to let him in without another word; it was good to know that perhaps she wasn’t feeling as argumentative as he’d anticipated on the way there.  
He walked past her and into his home, taking in a small breath.  
It smelled different. It smelled completely of Petra. Although, what did he expect, not everyone was as fast moving as him - not everyone spent their days and nights with Erwin Smith: the most tempting man to walk the Earth.

Levi didn’t stop to chat, heading straight up to their room and collecting the rest of his clothes, fortunate enough to fit it all in his bag. Looking upon his empty drawers he felt somewhat strange. Something about it felt very final; despite the fact that the majority of his belongings remained within this house, he felt separate from it now. At the very least they both knew that Levi’s appearances within the house would only be brief visits to collect belongings. Nothing more.

But that made a familiar sensation fly in the pit of his stomach.

I won’t be there forever, he reassured himself, ill find somewhere else eventually.

Once shoving all of his clothes into his bag, he made a small detour to his study before leaving.  
He’d missed it, it had been his favourite room in this house, it had been his. No matter what happened he’d always felt safe in there. But now he felt nothing. It was an awfully tiny room with walls covered in dark wooden shelves. Though, however small it was Levi had managed to keep it immaculate. Everything had its place, everything was thoroughly cleaned, and everything was his.  
Now there was a light sheet of dust beginning to form on all of the things he’d held close to him.  
It felt tainted and dirty.

The short man’s silvery eyes crawled over every inch of the room, many different emotions threatening to bloom within him; but they didn’t. He felt nothing. Empty.

And then without another thought, he headed back down the stairs, his bag heavy on his shoulder.  
His fingers quickly wrapped around the door handle in preparation to leave, that is before he felt hands glide up his back, reaching around to hold his chest.

“I’ve really missed you.”

Levi froze on the spot, taking in a single, shuddering breath.

Petra’s hands continued to roam, resting on his hips.  
“I want this...” She whispered directly into his ear, her words hot on his skin.  
And with that she began kissing the back and sides of his neck - wherever she could reach, really - as her fingers danced into the front of his trousers. She didn’t wait for him to speak, didn’t wait for him to agree, she was too busy dipping her hand into his underwear in attempt to awaken his completely flaccid cock.

He was tempted, yes, but it felt wrong. It all felt wrong. Those hands, so small. That voice, so light as it muttered unspeakable things. He hated how specific his taste had become, the blue eyes that flashed in his mind.  
He didn’t want this. Not today.

He squirmed out of her grip, adjusting his clothes and letting out a sigh.

“I’m leaving.”

 

...

Levi felt a twinge of annoyance towards himself when he returned to the house without stopping to buy Erwin a present, but he could barely afford to go out with him later, let alone spend money on anything else.  
Being unemployed was absolute horse shit - along with the fact Erwin had made it home before he had.

Why the fuck was he back so early?

“Fuckin’ speedy bastard.” Levi grumbled to himself as he parked, grabbing his stuff swiftly and speed-walking into the house.  
Once inside, he found Erwin stretched out on the sofa, the record player quietly playing what Levi could only make out to be... fucking Madonna?  
It took all of his strength not to grin in the doorway of the blonde’s spacious lounge. Of course, he didn’t have to try as hard when his eyes finally settled on the other man.  
He’d obviously not bothered to change, simply pulling away his tie and undoing the top few buttons of his shirt, the very top of his chest exposed; defined collarbones, a deep line separating his impressive pecks.

Levi can taste coppery blood burst from his lower lip, his teeth digging in deeper than expected while his eyes surveyed Erwin.

He cleared his throat, licking his lips.

“How come you’re home? It’s early isn’t it?” He begs for a conversation to distract himself with. Something boring, something that didn’t have Levi’s eyes stripping the man that lay before him, something that suppressed the horrible urge he felt to put his hands on him.

“It’s break for the next week, so the school closed early today.” Erwin shrugs, groaning softly as he raises his thick, muscular arms in a stretch.

The smaller man swallows nervously.

“At least you don’t have to put up with those brats for another week” it took everything he had to mask the wariness in his voice.  
“Well, we still have a while until the bars open, is there anything else you wanna do?”

Erwin’s full lips draw into a rather brash grin, his mouth opening to speak before he paused, shaking his head.

Levi wondered what he might of said had he allowed himself to continue.

But Erwin went on, the grin gone, for now.  
“Not particularly.” He sits up, patting the space on the sofa beside him, “Why don’t you sit? There’s plenty of room.”

The small man feels his breath hitch, his legs reluctantly carrying him to Erwin’s side. The sofa is warm due to the other man’s presence and he leans into it with a soft exhale. Now he just needed to focus on avoiding eye contact.  
“Is there something you wanna talk about?” Levi asks purely because he has no idea what to say, his hands fiddling with the neck of his sweater.

Erwin shifts beside him, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, audibly taking in the smoke before speaking. But yet again, the ability to find words escapes him for a moment; he’s holding back on what he really wants to say.

“Seen any jobs yet?” His voice is smooth and calm, his eyes on the large glass wall across from them, the gentle autumn sky reflecting in his eyes.

Madonna is no longer playing. It’s something slower, different.

There’s no way this rich asshole has fucking personalised vinyls?

Levi watches him for a moment, eyes scanning him slowly, his lips parted in awe.

Piercingly blue eyes shine bright as they watch the world outside, the bright colours of the malting trees flashing in contrast.  
Smoke pours from somewhat thick, gorgeous lips.  
Blonde hair slightly disheveled yet still managing to look neat in its own way.

All he can hear is Erwin’s breathing and music:

 _I want somebody to share,_  
 _Share the rest of my life,_  
Share my innermost thoughts,  
Know my intimate details,

The blonde turns to look at him and he hurriedly averts his gaze.

“No, there’s still nothing. You’d be surprised how fucking difficult it is to find a job around here.” Levi mutters and prays Erwin didn’t see him, or at least if he did, he didn’t think less of him for it.

Erwin smiles, an expression of pure fondness painted upon beautifully aged features. The word ‘smile’ could never really do it justice.

There’s more silence between them, just the sound of Erwin’s vinyl.

 _I want somebody who cares for me passionately,_  
 _With every thought and with every breath,_  
Someone who’ll help me see things in a different light,  
All the things I detest I will almost like,

“Where were you?” The larger man questioned, but there was nothing demanding within his tone.

“I went to get clothes,” he starts, “from my house.”

Erwin’s expression visibly changes, but the other man can’t quiet figure out what it means.

“Was your wife there?”

Levi nods, pulling Erwin’s hand towards his lips and taking a puff of his cigarette.  
“We didn’t argue though.”

He exhales and lets Erwin go, but remains close.

“She wanted to fuck.”

There’s no change in Erwin’s expression, “And did you? Fuck, I mean.”

Levi shook his head.  
“No. It wouldn’t feel right.”

This time, the blonde’s face does change, thick brows drawn closer into a look of mild curiosity.

“Why is that?”

The small man shrugs, “Because-“ I don’t want to betray you.  
He rearranges his thoughts.  
“I dunno. Didn’t feel like it.”

More silence.

“When was the last time you got laid?” Levi watches him shamelessly now.

Erwin almost laughs and Levi feels his heart flutter at the sight.

“It’s been a while.”

The conversation dies a bit after that, as if neither of them can really think of what they want to say. They’re like a couple of awkward teenagers. They both know there’s tension, but neither wants to be the first to address it. It’s ridiculous in every sense of the word.  
But despite the qualities and emotions they do share, they don’t react the same.

Levi may be wary, confused and questioning everything around him.

But Erwin’s like a ticking bomb. Each moment he spends around Levi he gets closer to the edge, closer to losing himself in what he knows is utter sin. He tries his best to stay composed but out of all of the lies and masks he uses to hide who he is and how he feels, the one he holds when he’s with Levi is the hardest to maintain.

It goes beyond want.

He craves him.  
The pale skin of his neck, the storm in his eyes, the rage repressed in each sardonic phrase he comes out with.  
He needs it. Needs him.

And suddenly he is ripped from a peaceful trance into a more shocking reality.

“Erwin,” Levi breathes his name like its a curse, his body turned to face the blonde. He’s overwhelmed by the sight, by the man before his eyes, attention completely undivided.

“I’m getting really fucking sick of this.” He continues, his voice flat, unwilling to give away any of the emotion behind his words.

The blonde smiles, “Me too.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, I- ugh, fuck it.”

Erwin doesn’t get the chance to question what he hears, because he’s on him.  
All over him.  
Lips crushed against his own, hands on his shoulders.  
And God, it’s more than he had hoped for.  
It was more than passion; more intense than any form of longing Erwin had ever experienced. There was no pushiness in his actions, either, no eagerness to just get it over with. It was slow and comfortable, as if they’d done it a hundred times already and this was just one out of a lifetime of kisses. As if they had experienced life together already.  
After a moment, Levi leaned more into it, tugging at the collar of Erwin’s shirt desperately. His sharp jaw slacks ever so slightly and the blonde finds himself lost in countless open-mouthed kisses, the smaller man’s tongue growing hot against his own. The sensation of it all is unreal and he can hear his former colleague moan around his tongue: a deep, smooth sound.

And then he suddenly pulls away, breathless and more than a little shaken by what had just happened. They both were.

But Levi doesn’t display any of the emotions he’d just poured into Erwin.

Doesn’t look at him, doesn’t speak, doesn’t really do anything.

He just stares in to his lap, an aura of shame about him.

Erwin wants to speak, to ask why, but his words are gone. Instead, he brings a hand to Levi’s cheek in an attempt to soothe whatever feeling was making him look so upset.

But his hand was smacked away and Levi was moving up and away from the couch before he could even register what was happening. Everything in him screamed to go after the man, to make things right; but he remained seated, cerulean eyes following the small man until he was gone.

...

The skin of his arms had become red raw from the harsh, scratchy side of the sponge Levi had repeatedly pressed against it. He scrubbed and scrubbed, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough to undo the filthy behaviour he had displayed.  
He’d never be able to clean himself of what just happened.  
He couldn’t take it back.  
He couldn’t get rid of the shame.  
He couldn’t get rid of the discomfort he felt in his pants when it happened. The lips of a man on his own. The hands on him.

He couldn’t do anything.  
And yet here he was, frowning to himself minutes later in another man’s shower - Erwin’s shower - trying to wash it away.

He found it so hard to get his head around; he’d wanted it so much, had been so desperate for it, but now that he’d finally gotten something he wanted nothing more than to take it back. Because this time, he was sober. This time, he’d called the shots. He’d made the conscious decision to sin. He had known full-well what he was doing and yet he chose to continue, to truly go against God.

There’s thudding in the background of his thoughts. A fist against wood.  
Erwin.

“Levi? Are you okay? Can I come in?”

He sighs.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m in the shower.” The statement was blunt.

It’s quiet for a minute.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I should have more control. Things have just been... lonely, I suppose.”

Levi feels his heart sink at the words.

“You didn’t do anything. I came onto you.” He tries to stay blunt but has to fight to keep the self loathing out of his tone.  
He put Erwin in this position.  
It was all him.

Erwin responds, “Yes... can I ask why?”

Because you treat me like I’m worth something.

He turns off the shower and steps out. He doesn’t feel cold.  
He slips a towel around his waist, walking out of the steamy en suite to the bedroom where he’s met with the door. He steps towards it, his blood vibrating with self hatred, and opens it.

Erwin looks down at him as if he’s the most amazing thing he’s ever witnessed; awestruck. But Levi can’t look back, his eyes glued to the chiselled chest in front of him shielded by a white dress shirt.

“I wanted to.” The small man whispers his answer, eyes unmoving.  
He’s not sure whether he’s staring at his chest as a means to avoid eye contact anymore.

Erwin doesn’t speak, but his expression changes - his face seeming to be a dead giveaway as to what he was feeling in every situation. A man who didn’t force his feelings out, but let them quietly rest on his face.  
Right then, he looked hopeful. Relieved. Yet something lay behind it.

Frustration.

Levi wished he knew what Erwin thought about. What he felt. What caused him to look the way he did in that moment. But Erwin needed to speak or else he’d never know.

“Do you mean that?” He looked deadly serious, as if the answer was a matter of life and death. And in his mind, it probably was. They were on extremely thin ice together and if Erwin really pissed him off, he could expose him; ruin his life. It was far more serious than the teenage romance they had been making it out to be.

He couldn’t deny it.  
“Yeah, s’pose so.” Levi’s voice comes out far more flat and indifferent than it had previously.  
His eyes dart every which way, anywhere that allowed him to drown out Erwin’s presence. This was getting too much, things were happening too fast and he knew he was going to say and do things he’d regret. After all, he’d already admitted to this - to wanting Erwin. If he continued it would only get worse.  
He sucks in a breath through his teeth before speaking again, “Let’s just, just stop this okay? We’re adults, I have my shit, you have yours. I mean, fuck, you’re married-“

“No it’s not-“

“Fuck, Erwin, I know it’s not real but use your fucking head. Think of who you are, what you have, the importance you hold in the world. If you’re willing to throw that all away to be a faggot, then be my guest, but I, I don’t want to be held accountable.” His voice is raised now.

“I’m not even gay. Never have been an’ never will be. This... this was just a mistake.”

Erwin purses his lips, wiping his hand over his mouth and nodding.  
“Yeah... yeah, you’re right. I’ll leave you to yourself.” He turns to walk away.

“Be ready by seven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof


	5. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday boyo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: each chapter contains a hint as to what the ending will be that is either 1 word or a small sentence. They’re still extremely vague though lmao

It’s quiet.  
There’s a tension between them that’s different than before: stronger, more intense. But different. Erwin doesn’t know whether it’s anger, disgust, frustration, but it’s most certainly not the lust that had once sat between them. No desire, no want, nothing. He can’t help but feel as though it’s his fault, that perhaps he had sparked a curiosity in Levi that hadn’t been there before. After all, in his current state what did he have to lose? If anything, Erwin had to be careful of his actions, because like the other man had said: he could still lose everything.

The sound of the cars engine fills the air as Erwin begins to pull out of the driveway, and as if taking this as a cue, Levi cranks open the window and sparks up a cigarette. At this, the blonde steals a glance at him and uses it as a means of making conversation.

“Mind if bum off you?”

Levi scoffs, pulling another cigarette out of his pack and handing it to the other man along with an old, roughed up lighter that had quite obviously seen better days.  
“Bet it’s not the first time you’ve said that, fruit loop.”

Erwin pops it between his lips and lights it with one hand, raising a brow.  
“Remind me, Levi, which one of us still has a job?”

“Oh, fuck off.” His tone is flat but he can’t help the smirk that creeps onto his lips. 

Their lighthearted banter seemed to alleviate some of the tension. Erwin was grateful for it.

“Anyway, hasn’t a rich bastard like you got a radio?” Levi spoke around his cigarette, taking back his lighter and popping it away in his pocket. 

“Never felt the need for one. Why? Am I not interesting enough for you to talk to?” 

“Well Smith, when you start saying shit that’s interesting, I’ll start listening.”

Erwin goes to speak but is immediately interrupted.  
“Discussing work during your time off isn’t interesting, to clarify.”

The blonde huffed, defeated.  
And it’s quiet again, however, more tolerable now - more relaxed. It stays that way for the remainder of the drive and Levi uses this time to chain smoke and stare out of his window, watching the world go by. Whenever there’s a pause in the cars movement, Erwin will spare him a look, mentally saving the image for later before continuing the journey into the city.

The city isn’t huge but it’s busy enough to make up for it, people littering the streets left, right and centre. For each handful of people there were large buildings, shops, hotels, big flashy signs; the whole scene made Erwin dizzy, hence why he’d moved away from it. He enjoyed his big quiet house, he loved the sense of tranquility he got there, he couldn’t imagine trading it for a life here. It was all too much. Too rushed.

And after what felt like forever in the afternoon traffic, Erwin makes it to the multi-story car park, reversing into a space and buying a ticket. Paying off a fine wouldn’t be a big deal for him, but it was much more of a hassle than just paying and abiding by the law, so he never bothered attempting to dodge it. There was no real point.

There’s a chilly accent to the air that pinches Levi’s skin and within seconds of getting out of the car he’s already complaining, groaning about how slow the blonde was being and how ‘perhaps old age had finally gotten to him’. It made Erwin smile, but he didn’t speed up in the slightest, and had he not been cold as well, he probably would have moved even slower. But before he knows it he’s at Levi’s side, walking down a filthy stairwell covered with piss and vomit - a truly romantic setting.  
After half a dozen remarks from Levi about the conditions of the place and his disgust towards it, they were outside on the street, people rushing back and forth around them.

“So blondie, you have anywhere in mind?” The smaller man attempts to keep his tone light and cheery despite the discomfort he feels.  
Erwin notices and appreciates this.

“Not really, after all, I’d never really planned to do anything tonight.” He replied, rounding the corner and walking amongst the crowds of people, eyes on Levi to ensure he was following.

“Fair enough,” Levi muttered, falling silent until his eyes land on a familiar sign. He reads it this time, and discovers the big flashing letters spell out the word ‘Blasphemy’. It was undeniably Erwin’s scene - Levi only had to wonder whether the man had been there before.

“In here.” Levi’s voice is hushed as he tugs Erwin’s sleeve in the direction of the entrance, giving him no time to object.  
And sure enough, it’s exactly what he’d thought. The club he’d been at that night, before everything got fucked up.   
Everything’s more or less the same: blue lights mask the dance floor, bodies pressing together and morphing into one, music thrums throughout the club - it’s definitely the same place.

Erwin’s face screws up as he adjusts to it all, eyes scanning across the room a few times before sitting on his former colleague once again.  
“What is this place?” He pressed, getting dragged further into the chaos. He’d not been here before.

Levi smirks but it’s barely visible in the compromised lighting, his hand tight on Erwin’s arm as he takes the lead towards the bar.  
“Where you belong, birthday boy.”

Erwin wants to question it further, but accepts the answer regardless, getting a slight rush from the vibrating bass of the music he felt radiating through him. It made him feel a little less old, amazingly.  
He slid onto a stool beside Levi at the bar, and when Levi insisted on paying for the first round of drinks he couldn’t help but allow it, and for the first time today it actually felt like a special occasion. 

He takes note of how the red lights of the bar catch Levi’s features, highlighting perfect cheekbones and a wonderfully chiselled nose. He drowns out the music around them when he speaks to the bartender, focusing on his voice, indulging in the depth of it. He was utterly shameless.  
The small man doesn’t seem to notice though and they continue their night normally, drinking and chatting, acting as if they hadn’t kissed earlier that day, acting as if there had never been tension between them whatsoever. And although he may be suppressing a lot of his emotions, Erwin feels calm here, just happy to be in the other man’s company.  
There were moments that Levi would move a certain way or make a certain expression and Erwin’s entire world would move slower, his mouth would go dry, his mind going blank. The intensity of his feelings astonished him in times like these, and part of him felt ashamed for it. He knew what these feelings meant and what they made him. And he knew that with each moment he spent with Levi, hearing his voice, learning about him, they became stronger.

And suddenly there’s a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. All he feels is dread.  
“Excuse,” a voice trails off behind him in a series of coughs and   
groans, the man heaving in each breath as if it were his last, “excuse me.”  
Erwin turns to face the voice and his brows immediately lift at the sight, a gasp falling from his lips.  
The man can’t be too old - perhaps in his early twenties - and yet he seems to have the most aged face the blonde has ever witnessed.   
He’s balding, though it appears unnatural, as if due to the effects of irritation maybe. His skin appears to be pulled taut against his bones, yet seems wrinkled all at once, his cheeks and eyes hollowing and purple. To accompany the apparent bruising, large brown patches litter his sweat-glossed skin, dotted over his face, neck, arms, anywhere visible, really. He is truly a horror to the eyes.

Before Erwin can offer a response, the man chokes out a wrenched sob.

“Where am I? Have you seen my mother? She,” He pauses, gasping for air as tears begin to flow consistently down his face, “She should be here. Where’s my mother?”   
His voice is raspy and raw with distress and pain. The confusion and hurt etched upon his sickly features was enough to pull at the heart strings of any decent person. It was horrific to watch.

Erwin tries to speak, to do something, but his voice catches in his throat, his eyes stuck on the man before him. He doesn’t know what to say, what he could possibly do to better the situation.

And suddenly there’s another voice, another man with them.  
This man is roughly around the same age, but he appears completely healthy, practically glowing with youth in comparison to the first stranger.  
Though his voice sounds just as pained.  
“Come on, Andrew, honey, you’re getting confused again. Let’s get you home.”

And Erwin can only sit and watch as the sickly stranger - Andrew - begins to scream and thrash in what appears to be his lover’s arms. It is unlike anything he’s ever seen, and by all means the most disconcerting thing he’d ever seen.  
However, the other man is patient, his arms tight around the other, his determination to get the other man out of the club evident. And at the last minute, he spares Erwin an apologetic look, mouthing a ‘sorry’ before disappearing towards the closest exit of the building.

For a while he just sits there, staring at the space where the couple had once been with an expression of pure shock. He was shaken to the point of near-sobriety.   
And then there’s a familiar voice.

“Hey? Hey, are you alright?” Levi’s tone is laced with concern and the softest the blonde has ever heard it.  
Erwin rubs his hand over his mouth and turns on his seat, and for a minute or two he’s rendered completely speechless. Then he nods, composing himself however still unable to lift his gaze from the bar just yet.

“It’s so fucked up,” Levi drawls, louring into space, “it’s so unfair that that shit is still killing us.”

Erwin inhales and sits up straight, clearing his throat.   
“Yeah,” he stares off, before Levi’s words truly hit him.  
“Us? What d’you mean ‘us’?”

The smaller man pauses, frowns and corrects himself, “You - them, y’know, the gays.” 

Part of Erwin feels hurt, frustrated, but he’s too drunk to really focus on it, instead he just nods. It wasn’t really news that Levi wasn’t exactly a big fan of the gay community   
“You’d think they’d have a cure by now, after... what? A decade or so of knowing about it?” 

Levi shrugs and swiftly finishes off what’s left of his drink.  
“S’pose it ain’t that simple,” he pauses to cough, “the great ‘gay cancer’ is a pretty rough disease.” 

“Yeah.”   
It becomes more quiet between them, the latent discomfort returning to their silence. They’re both extremely aware of it.  
But in Erwin’s state, he has the balls to break it.

“I bet they’ve got jobs here.” He starts, his drink sloshing around in its glass as he waves his hand between Levi and the bar.

Levi raised a brow, his pitiful attempt to mask any of the disgust he felt failing miserably.  
“What?”

“You’re looking for a job, they might have one. Ask.” The blonde presses.

“No, Erwin, I really would rather not work in a place like...” Levi looks around the club, confirming his beliefs before he spoke again, “In a place like this.”

Erwin looked a little more than irritated, evidently disappointed by Levi’s decision. If anything it was a silent emphasis that what Erwin had said wasn’t a question. It was a command.  
Levi acknowledged it with a subtle roll of his eyes and downed the rest of his drink, his eyes running the length of the bar to spot the bartender. They paused on a very tall, thin man with overly bleached, curly hair; and before the smaller man could speak, Erwin was beckoning the guy over, waving his now empty glass.   
The blonde - verging on yellow - haired man rushed to assistance, taking Erwin’s glass in hand.  
“Same again?” 

Erwin nodded, “Yes, please.”  
And yet again, Levi’s chance to speak was swiftly stolen by his former colleague.   
“Also, my friend here,” he gestured to Levi, “was wondering if you had any jobs going. He’s fairly desperate”

The frizzy haired man answered almost immediately, his voice quiet, and like many people within the building, effeminate and polished.  
“Yeah! Yes. We’re always looking for people. As you can imagine, it’s pretty hard to find people willing to work in a place like this.”   
He’d uttered the same words as Levi, but his tone was far different. Less pretentious and judgemental - he obviously liked it here. 

Erwin rubbed his hands together and offered a smug grin to the small man beside him, gaining himself a half-assed try at a smile in return.  
“That’s great news!”  
The man nodded, handing Erwin his drink and automatically filling Levi’s next.  
“We’ll need you to come in for an interview with the manager, but he’s not too fussed, just happy to have people here, yknow?” He punctuated his words with a hurried pass of Levi’s drink, frantically looking for a pen and some paper.   
Settling for a napkin from under the bar and a marker, he jotted down the establishment’s number, handing it to Levi with a timid smile when he was done.   
“Call us anytime and we can arrange an interview. It’d be great to see your face around here more often.”

Levi swallowed his revulsion, managing a convincing smile and a little tilt of his head.  
“Will do.”  
And with that the bartender disappeared to serve another customer.  
With the yellow haired man’s absence, Levi gently punched Erwin’s arm.  
“You’re such a tit, you know that?”  
Erwin laughed holding out a hand, “Well? At least you won’t be a useless bum anymore.”  
That earned him a harder punch.  
“Cheeky Cunt.”

...

Time passed incredibly quickly in the couples drunken stupor, each one of them receiving suggestive comments and stares throughout the night. And although it was Erwin’s day, Levi had started to wonder whether being there, in the club, was worth it. Worth the ‘compliments’ thrown his way, worth the suggestive gropes from ugly strangers.  
Worth watching them do the same to Erwin.  
Watching young guys - younger than himself, at least - leaning on the blonde’s shoulder, whispering crass things into his ear. Pushing themselves onto him, touching him.  
Levi couldn’t even come close to expressing the rage it lit beneath his skin. But what infuriated him further was the fact that he didn’t know why. He had no clue as to what was making him angry and why.   
Perhaps it was the open practice of homosexuality?  
Or maybe it was the way Erwin’s eyes became heavy-lidded before he turned each boy down, his lips pulling into a polite smile to hide his more rapid breathing.  
The verified information that those same whispers and touches caused the half-hearted bulge in Erwin’s pants.

“It’s getting pretty late,” Levi speaks to pull himself away from his thoughts, “Your smart ass got any ideas as to what we’re doing after we’re done here?”

Erwin swallows the sour liquid in his mouth and shakes his head, holding up a finger as a signal for the smaller man to wait.  
“We can just get a cab, right?”

Levi rolls his eyes, “What? Back to the house? S’a bit boring.”

“Then what do you suggest we do? Sleep on the streets?” Erwin slurs.

Levi gives the other man a solid frown.  
“Don’t be such a dramatic bitch. We could stay at a hotel or some shit, y’know, somewhere fancy.” He counters but he knows there probably aren’t many places fancier than Erwin’s house, at least not around here.  
The blonde takes some time to think before responding, doing it partially to tease Levi.  
“Yeah, sure. That’s a plan.”

Levi clicked his tongue after swallowing the last of his drink, barely coherent by now.  
“Sure is, big man.”

It didn’t take them long to finish up, the two men stumbling out of their seats and bidding farewell to the bartender who gave a small nervous smile in return. Erwin nudges his former colleague and mumbles something about the frizzy haired man liking him.  
Levi replies with a light smack on Erwin’s arm.  
“Fuck off, ass wipe.” His words were drawn out and separated by a hiccup.

Upon actually exiting the dark club both men were taken aback by the fresh air and bright street lights.  
And it was so unbelievably cold.

“Jesus Christ, if we don’t find a hotel soon I think my balls are gonna freeze off.” Levi grumbled, burying stiff fingers into the pockets of his jacket.  
Erwin laughed and ruffled the grumpy mans hair, “Yeah, okay.”

They walk for a while, remaining close together and occasionally bumping into one other. And although it was better than silence, Erwin was amazed by how much Levi spoke whilst under the influence. And before they had managed to find a fairly decent hotel, he’d manage to list off all of the things he hated about hotels. But Erwin didn’t mind, in fact he found it somewhat endearing; he decided to keep that to himself though.  
However, he did fall silent for a moment, eyes stuck on a building across from the bar that the blonde couldn’t quite make out. He could only wonder what it might be, but he didn’t bother asking.  
And so they walked, chatting and joking with one another, proximity rising; that is, before they found what they were looking for. In front of them stood a dirty old hotel, a little on the smaller side in comparison to what they were originally searching for. But at this point they couldn’t find it in them to care, they just wanted sleep. 

They walked eagerly to the hotel, Erwin holding the door open for the other man upon getting there. Levi would have been charmed by the act of chivalry had he not been so relieved by the warmth that hit him when entering the building.   
The blonde then closed the door and followed Levi into the dim lit, musty lobby. He felt a strong sense of regret as his eyes wandered along the walls, seeing just how filthy and old the building was. He was going get an earful about this once they were alone again. 

In the centre of yellow-green room there was a cheap wooden desk, presumably where they would need to check in. Erwin - being the man with the money - stepped ahead of Levi, making his way to the front desk with a warm smile.   
But the smile was wasted.   
Behind the desk sat a rather large, middle-aged woman with thick rimmed glasses and a grimace that could turn milk sour. Her scraggly grey hair was cut reasonably short and had the odd brunette streak where the hair had remained pigmented. She looked, in the politest way, absolutely tragic.

However, Erwin was Erwin, so of course he was just as sickly sweet as he was with everyone else.

“Hi! Could I get a room for two please?” His voice was like velvet.

The woman grunted, grabbing a key and slamming it on the wooden surface. But before she gave them a price, she let her eyes dart between the two men, lingering on Levi and letting her face display further disgust. The small man looked her up and down in silent judgement and gave a cold glare back.

“That’ll be 75,” her accusing eyes pierce through Levi, “gentlemen.”

Erwin hands her the money and pays no mind to the woman’s tone, but Levi sees right through it. He knows what she’s thinking - what she thinks they are, how it makes her feel. He knew they were not welcome.  
So he made a point of snatching the keys off the desk and sparing her one last look of pure belligerence before storming off ahead of Erwin and up the stairs.   
As expected, the blonde didn’t question it.  
But he knew just as much as Levi: no amount of alcohol could wash away his self-awareness, the knowledge of what he was and the reactions it drew from people.

Erwin clambered up the stairs and down the hall, coming close to tripping on numerous occasions without Levi’s knowing. For a man with such small legs he was a challenge to keep up with when he wanted to be. 

“Old bitch didn’t even tell us the number.” Levi hissed, shoving their key into a flimsy, worn down door at the end of the hall.

“Then how do you kno-“

“Says it on the keys.” 

At that Erwin just nods slowly, waiting for the door to open.   
Fortunately for them, the rooms of the hotel were somewhat more pleasing than the rest of it. Only by a little bit.  
The walls within the room were a deep shade of blue, rid of the dust and muck that had covered the ones outside. The carpet was also cleaner: a satisfying , seemingly untouched cream colour rather than the old patterned flooring that ran the length of the halls, stairs and lobby.  
There was just one issue.  
There was only one bed.

“Wow, great.” Levi groaned, gliding into the room and shrugging off his jacket.

“Looks like we’ll be sharing the bed.” Erwin didn’t sound as displeased as his companion but it was to be expected by this point.

“S’pose so. As long as I can sleep I don’t give a fuck.” The small man slid out of black, polished shoes. Erwin mimicked the action, ignoring the butterflies that had risen in his stomach. He felt like a nervous child.

Yet again, a large, powerful, dominant man reduced to his fears and wants; chained to his desires.

They quietly watch each other undress, any shame in the action cancelled out by their intoxication.  
Once they were both stripped to their underwear they crawled into the bed, laying beside each other and staring at the ceiling.

“So? You enjoyed tonight? Better than staying at home doing work, right?” Levi muttered, leaning on his side to watch the other man.

Erwin smiled and glanced at him.  
“Yeah I suppose it was. Thank you, Levi.” His tone was so genuine it hurt.

“Yeah... happy birthday, Erwin.” Levi rarely spoke his name but when he did there was so much emotion and respect behind it that it was almost hard to take in.  
But the moment couldn’t remain so perfect.   
“Shame you didn’t get any ass though, you should’ve gone for it. You’re attractive enough.”

The blonde smiled and shook his head, “I wasn’t interested in those boys. I was just happy to be with you.”

Levi inhaled sharply and kept his eyes glued to Erwin’s face.  
“Look, you... you know how I feel about that shit, Smith. I’m not-“

“I know. I know you’re not. Just, just let me have this night, okay? I’m not asking for much.” There was more cold anger within his tone than either of them had anticipated and Levi couldn’t deny the excitement it stirred within him.

After a moment of silence, Levi huffs out a sigh and shuffles closer to the other man, throwing an arm over his broad chest. A strong arm wraps around him in a hopeless, drunken embrace and all he feels is warmth.

“Okay Erwin, okay.”


	6. Oblivious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY this took so long I’ve had so many mock exams lately and everything’s just been : hectic  
> This chapters also a little shorter than usual but that’s cuz I didn’t rlly wanna make y’all wait even longer (also bc the next chapter is gonna be WILD)

Erwin’s head felt heavy in the wake of last nights events, his body uncomfortably warm and aching all over, regret sinking into his bones. It was a nudging reminder as to why he didn’t go out drinking very often - the haze of alcohol never seemed worth the headache in the morning. He yawned quietly, stretching out an arm as he forced himself into a coherent state. But there was no way to rouse the headache just yet, the sensation of it knocking on the inside of his skull like a drum.  
But the feeling quickly subsided once he’d lay eyes upon the man next to him, an arm outstretched and resting across the blonde’s waist. It was a sight Erwin hadn’t expected to see at the very least.  
He felt honoured.

The smaller man’s breath was steady against Erwin’s skin, his back seeming to rise and fall in unison with his breathing as he slept, looking more peaceful than the blonde had even thought possible up until now. This moment would be something he would find hard to forget. Nor was it something he’d want to forget, no matter how much shame and embarrassment he felt; his attachment was inescapable.  
Part of him had to wonder how many people had seen him in such a state: the calm that sat over him like a sheet, the kink in his brow from a near constant frown finally evened out, allowing the small man to look relaxed - for once.

After a little while Levi began to stir, pressing his face into Erwin’s side as if to bury himself back into a deep sleep; but of course, it wasn’t that easy to ignore reality.  
He lifted his head, dark hair falling into his eyes a little as he came back to life beside the blonde, experiencing the same ache of the previous evenings mistakes; however it was drowned out far more quickly by the shock of waking up beside his former coworker. Uncountable emotions swam through him in that moment and it was almost too much to handle immediately after waking up, but he pressed on, his eyes darting around the room and landing back on Erwin once more.

“Good morning.” Erwin spoke first, his voice husky subsequent to sleep.

Levi eyed the small clock on the dirty, beige hotel nightstand, smirking ever so slightly upon discovering they were an hour away from mid-day.

“Good day.” He muttered, moving to sit up, relieved to find that he was still wearing underwear.  
His eyes scanned the bed, looking for any clues in regards to last nights events, but all seemed fairly innocent. His gaze climbed over the sheets and onto Erwin, falling over his torso. For a man of his age he was built like a god. There were a few wrinkles and telltale signs of age within his skin, a loss of elasticity due to four decades of experiences and wear, but it was to be expected. Levi could only feel pained that he wasn’t able to witness his body earlier in life, stuck on the idea of what he’d missed out on.

He was thinking too much. He’d stared for too long. Erwin had noticed.

“Jesus, my head is fucking pounding. I need a shower.” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes a little and extending his arms in a stretch.  
He then peeled off the sheets and slipped out of the bed before padding off to the hotel room’s bathroom.

It wasn’t terrifying - but it was no paradise.  
Many of the tiles on the walls held cracks, grime seeping between them in proud green-brown lines. As for the floor, there were a few stains from god-knows-what that had obviously been scrubbed at dozens of times to no avail. Overall, the room had clearly past its time, but seemed at least mediocrely cleaned. It was doable.   
He took note of the towel rack, stripping off his underwear and placing them upon it before turning on the shower and entering.  
Although he’d had plenty of sleep, he felt drained. His body ached with each movement; but that’s what hangovers did, really.

He felt strange.

...

Erwin’s golden locks flew back out of his face with the force of the wind, squinting against it as if it made a tremendous difference. But despite the large cold gusts of air, the sun was shining brightly in a nearly clear blue sky, a rare occurrence for autumn. However, only some could appreciate it.   
Levi walked beside him with a grimace dead-set on his face, arms folded and eyes glued to the pavement.

“You should try not to look so grumpy all the time, you’ll get wrinkly.” Erwin’s lips turned up in a little smirk, awaiting Levi’s undoubtedly entertaining glare.

To this, Levi turned his head up and to the side to stare at the blonde, expression unchanging. He remained silent and let his face speak for him.  
Erwin chuckled.

“Okay, maybe not.” He looked around for the entrance of the stairwell to the car park as he spoke. That is, until his eyes landed on a fancy looking diner.

“How bout we get some breakfast?” He suggested.

Levi’s frown sunk in deeper and his lip kinked in disgust at the suggestion.  
“Not a fan of eating in public. Plus, it’d practically be lunch.” He grumbled, eyes darting to Erwin and then back to the floor before he spoke again.

“But whatever, I’m hungry.”

Erwin smiled at Levi’s defeat and walked ahead to the diner, peering behind him to check the small man was still following before entering the building. 

Both men were immediately hit with the strong scent of coffee and pancakes, the smell making Levi’s decision to eat out all the more easy to accept.  
The blonde turned to Levi and shrugged, allowing him to pick where they sat as he seemed to be the only one that disliked the placement. The small man strode ahead to a table in the corner, on the quieter side of the diner. And on cue, right as they took their seats a waiter hurried over to serve them.  
They both ordered the same thing, Erwin paid, of course.

“This place isn’t actually half bad.” Levi fiddled with his hands on the table, seemingly uncomfortable regardless of his words. Restless.

Erwin nodded in agreement, “Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Plus, their pancakes are probably better than mine.” He chuckled.

At this, Levi smiled and seemed to relax a bit, the blonde’s attitude grounding him a little.

Once the coffee and pancakes arrived there wasn’t such a need for awkward conversation - but Levi was a pretty fast eater and was back to fidgeting in no time. Erwin decided to distract him. He didn’t like watching the dark haired man squirm, not in discomfort, anyway.

“You still got that number? The one from the club?” He gestured to the other mans jacket pocket.

Levi’s head popped up and he shoved his hand into his pocket, completely forgetting about the job offer. As expected, he was met with a small piece of paper with a number on it.

“Yeah.” He stares at the number before looking up at Erwin, “I don’t know, I’m not sure about it.”

Erwin frowns, sipping his coffee before speaking, “Why not? If it’s too far I can give you petrol money.” 

Levi shook his head, avoiding eye contact. 

“The hours,” he starts, “that place is open until around, I dunno, 4am? It’s late.”

“And? I don’t see the issue - you don’t have any other commitments. It’s not as if it’s-“ Erwin waves his hand in a messy circular motion to illustrate his words, “obstructing any plans.”

The smaller man sighed. Erwin wasn’t wrong, in fact, he rarely was. His reasoning was perfectly acceptable; but Levi had other reasons to feel the way he did. With the man’s busy schedule during the day and the busy schedule Levi could only assume he’d be having at night, he knew they would rarely see each other. The fact that he’d begun to care so much stung; Erwin had become his weakness and the grounds to his infatuation made him squirm. He felt disgusted with himself but the feelings the blonde brought up within him by merely being there were impossible to ignore.

It seemed as though Erwin had noticed the other’s distress, because he began to speak again.  
“Look, you never know what they’ll have you doing there, after all, they probably need someone to clean up during the day. Just ask them when you call and hope for the best answer, yeah?” He held an unreadable expression, something strange lingering beyond the blue of his eyes. Something Levi wanted to see more of.

He agreed and Erwin finished up so they could leave.

 

The roads were busy, the two men seeming to always hit the waves of rush hour traffic in their travels. But they weren’t exactly in a hurry so neither of them complained. With the warmth of the sun beaming in through the windows and the feeling of a decent nights sleep, it was actually enjoyable.

“So when does Amelia get back? From her business thing, I mean.” Levi piped up beside Erwin, peering up at him.

Erwin shrugged, “probably not ‘til Monday or Tuesday I should think. Depends on how fast she works, really.”

Levi scoffs, looking out the window.  
“Yeah I’m sure she’ll be doing a lot of working.”

Erwin raises a think brow at the snide comment.  
“I’m sorry?” As far as the blonde was aware, the other man should have no reason to think his wife was doing anything other than work.

Levi rolled his eyes, “Come on Erwin, you’re not stupid. It’s obvious that these ‘business trips’ are excuses for her to go and shag other women.”

Erwin very nearly gasped at Levi’s crude explanation, half out of shock, half out of pure disgust.  
“I’m guessing Hanji told you that too then?” He sighed.

“Yeah, shes got a pretty big mouth on her.” Levi chuckled - a small, quiet sound that the blonde rarely got the chance to hear.

“Plus, she doesn’t exactly try to seem interested in you whatsoever.” He added.

Erwin wore an awkward smile, knowing the truth in the observation. It felt embarrassing. Admitting facts like those often were.

After that things fell quiet and the traffic cleared up a little, allowing the pair to finish their trip back home rather swiftly - as swiftly as they could with Erwin’s hungover driving.

Once passing through several twisty roads they reached their destination and Erwin relaxed, happy to be back after the hectic evening. However nice it was to go out and have fun, it was always nice coming back home afterwards. At least he thought so.

Upon entering the mansion-like house, the two discovered that the maid had already been and gone, leaving the house absolutely spotless. The blonde couldn’t fault her cleaning but always felt guilty when he was unable to give her a tip for all of her hard work. At this point he may as well just give her extra pay permanently.

Levi walked in behind the blonde, handing him his jacket to hang up, something he was too short to do himself. It was tragic, really.

“Right, I’m gonna go and get changed because I feel nasty as fuck.” Levi grumbled, his feet already dragging him down the hall, up the stairs and out of sight. 

Erwin would have done the same, but couldn’t find the energy to, instead going into the lounge and collapsing on the sofa.  
And there he sat and thought: thought about yesterday, last night, that morning, Levi. He felt lost. It was obvious to anyone with sense that they wanted one another, their feelings growing stronger with each interaction. But after their previous agreement he wasn’t sure what to do; he was stuck.  
He cared about his job, his life, everything he had and was responsible for. But he also cared about Levi, immensely. He wanted something to come of it. He wanted to show him, to be there for him more than he was already. He wanted to show him the love he deserved.  
Things were repetitive by now, and Erwin knew as a man of his age he should have the ability to control himself. But it was too much. The constant weight that sat on his shoulders.  
He needed relief.  
He needed to fix things before they got worse.

When Levi came back downstairs, donning slim fitting sweatpants and a somewhat tight black t shirt, Erwin vacated to the kitchen, putting on the kettle to make coffee.  
He needed to gather his thoughts, figure out what he was going to say. After all, Levi wasn’t one to be upfront when it came to feelings. He needed to catch him off guard. Element of surprise.

The short man padded into the monotone kitchen, sparking up a cigarette and leaning against the island opposite to Erwin. He almost blended in with his surroundings; porcelain skin contrasting with jet black hair. His natural beauty was astonishing.

It was then that the blonde abandoned his task of making coffee.

“I think I love you, Levi.” He started, calm and collected regardless of how suddenly the statement had come out, “Physically, mentally, just everything. I don’t think this agreement will work out. I’m trying but there’s only so much I can do.”   
He sighed, the depth of what he was saying reflecting through Levi’s expression.  
“I can offer you somewhere else to live but I can’t have you here. I,” He paused, frowning, “I want you too much.” And with that, he fell silent, allowing the smaller man to respond.  
But he didn’t.  
Instead, he stubbed out his cigarette in a nearby ashtray and drew a loose cross in front of his chest with one brief motion of his hand. He then stepped forward, looping his arms around Erwin’s neck and tugging him into a heavy, open-mouthed kiss.  
Despite his surprise, Erwin returned the favour, opening his mouth to the other man and placing a hand on his cheek.   
The kiss turned into multiple kisses, the two men pressing their tongues against one another in a display of passion and pent up lust. 

Then Levi pulled away, breathless.  
“I’m so sick of holding back. Just fucking do what you want, Erwin. I want you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY CAVED


	7. Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter - but y’all have waited long enough for this so,,, this chapter is legit JUST smut

Two men clinging to each other for dear life, tumbling through the bedroom door in the midst of uncountable French kisses and love bites.   
Two men feeding into their primal needs, groaning with want and urgency.  
Two men desperate for one another in every way shape and form, falling deeper for the other with every passing day.

Two men hopelessly lost in each other.

Erwin’s back is pressed to the wall beside the doorframe, strong arms looped around the small man that he’d once considered a companion, but now something much more.   
Levi had pushed up onto his toes, almost so eager that he’d be willing to climb the man if he had to.  
But he wasn’t used to this. Wasn’t used to feeling so small, so inexperienced and outright nervous. He was a grown man, but a grown man with a lot yet to learn.  
He pulled back to breathe, pressing his forehead to Erwin’s chest and listening to the steady beat of his heart; he couldn’t help the way it made his chest flutter and his stomach swirl. Whilst he was able to pull himself away from the sultry heat of Erwin’s mouth, he peered around at the man’s room.  
It was similar to the guest room: the walls bore different shades of red and maroon with sheets to match - which indicated that the colour scheme was most likely of Erwin’s choosing - but it held a different atmosphere to the guest room. It was more personal; lived in. Pieces of Erwin decorated the room in the form of notepads and stacks of half-read books, messily strewn on shelves and nightstands. It added a warmth to the room that Levi’s did not have - the presence of Erwin Smith.

After a brief moment of looking around the room with his greyscale eyes, Levi turned back to Erwin, kissing up his cheekbone towards his ear.

“So what now?” He exhaled his words.

The blonde shuddered.

Levi felt fingers drawing their way up and down his back as his past coworker considered his question, just now realising that it was the first time the smaller man had properly engaged with that of the same sex. Sober, at least.

“Go to the bathroom and clean what you have to, inside and out. Meet me back in here as soon as you’re done.” The blonde took on a somewhat commanding tone, though there was still a soft, silky edge to his voice with his awareness of Levi’s inexperience.  
The younger man understood and almost felt relief at the instruction, glad he wouldn’t have to ask about it. They then shared one more kiss of reassurance before parting.

In the small man’s absence, Erwin stepped over to his nightstand, withdrawing the appropriate supplies from it and leaving them on the surface for later use. Part of him felt anxious, with how long it’d been since he’d last been active he could only wonder whether he could make it worth Levi’s while; but it was only a matter of time until they found the answer to that.

When Levi returned, almost 20 minutes later, Erwin had obviously started undressing, his hands occupied by a seemingly expensive belt.  
And when he did return, he did so almost completely nude with the protection of tight underwear; the blonde could only stare in awe.  
Like himself, there were obvious signs of age within him - less prominent, but there. His skin was deathly pale and clung to the makings of mediocre muscles that could be irresistible with the correct training. But he was Levi, and Erwin was Erwin. He would find him irresistible regardless of mass or muscle definition. He was more than that.

And suddenly the world is in motion again and Levi is walking towards him slowly, his hips moving in a way that made Erwin’s head spin. He could barely wait any longer.

Levi’s lips turned up in a readably nervous smirk as he drew near, taking the sides of Erwin’s trousers and underwear in hand and gently nudging them down past the blonde’s hips.

“Jesus Christ, you’re fucking hung.”

The short man’s voice was broken with a mixture of anxiety and arousal, his eyes lingering on Erwin’s body for as long as they could before the man was moving again.   
He pulled Levi onto the bed, hovering over him and showering his smooth neck with lazy kisses.

“This is what you want?”

“More than anything.”

With that Erwin sunk down, spreading apart pale, tempting thighs with impatient hands and allowing his head to remain level with the other man’s crotch. Both of them were evidently turned on by the display and Levi’s self control started to deteriorate with each passing moment, with each warm exhale Erwin let out against the sensitive skin of his inner thigh, each press of his lips. All attempts to disguise his excitement were fruitless.  
The blonde’s head moved from the man’s thighs to directly above the striking outline of his cock, tonguing at it through the fabric desperately, years of practice coming into play. This action gained him a deep groan of pleasure and a small yet powerful hand tangled in his hair, fingers playing with it as if to distract himself.   
That is until the blonde continued to mouth it, moaning against it in his mission to find Levi’s buttons and push them all. A cruel act for a good cause.

“Fuck, E-“ He paused, correcting himself, not quite ready to admit to himself who he was doing this with, “Just suck my fucking dick already.”

“Eloquent as usual.” Erwin smirked, his fingers already committing to the task of stripping off Levi’s underwear.

He was surprised but in no way displeased; Levi certainly made up for his unfortunate stature through other means.

And then he was in him, taking him into his mouth down to the hilt, taking pride in his abilities. The pleasant surprise of just how good the blonde was didn’t go unnoticed, Levi’s hips jolting involuntarily at the sensation. The sticky warmth of Erwin’s mouth could beat that of any woman; he was without fault.

And just as quickly as he had started, he stopped, stomach twisting at the sound it pulled from Levi.

“What are you doing?” The small man questioned, with very little sign of protest in his tone. Erwin rose, kissing his cheek before offering up his explanation.

“I need to prep you. I’m assuming this is your first time doing,” The blonde struggled to find a polite way to deliver his thoughts, “this, with a man.”

Levi simply nods, his pale face giving away none of his feelings towards the situation.

With that, he was all over him, fingers easing into him one by one, eliciting groans and hisses from the other man.   
It was strange, and Levi felt guilty with the thought that he couldn’t really bring himself to enjoy it, the feeling so foreign and discomforting to him. But he was determined to push on; he wanted this in every sense of the word. After all of the tension and silence between them, he wanted to give Erwin at least this much. However, he underestimated just how much it would take.

They had gotten to three fingers now, generously slicked up out of Erwin’s consideration for his housemate, and it was starting to get difficult. Levi’s breaths had sped up a significant amount and his arms tensed on the blonde’s back, the pain becoming near impossible to mask.

Erwin paused and Levi was grateful. He trusts him.

“Would you like to stop?”

“No, no, baby, keep going,” the vocal manifestation of Levi’s fondness wrenched from behind his lips as Erwin’s fingers shifted slightly, caught in a place of unfamiliarity and forced pleasure.   
But as Erwin continued with the smaller man’s permission his feelings changed, the alternating movements of the man’s fingers within him creating different sensations that he wouldn’t have ever been capable of imagining beforehand. His guilt started to slip away, leaving him with his nerves and embarrassment.

Erwin had been so careful with him, but no amount of care could prepare him for what came next.  
For the thousandth time Erwin ensured he had permission before going farther, applying protection to himself.

The lube did little to ease the excruciating hurt of Erwin’s entry, a strained sob tearing from Levi’s throat accompanied by quiet, hurried muttering of the blonde’s name. The larger man sympathised, kissing the other’s forehead as he pressed in further, short breaths heaving out of him with each movement he made. Erwin could only elicit a husky groan, choked by the tightness that was Levi.

The small man made his best efforts to silence his agony, tears gliding down his cheeks consistently.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“God, no, no Erwin keep,” His voice wavered, “keep going. Please.”

From then on Levi tried to busy himself by placing small, affectionate kisses to wherever he could reach. It was all could do to distract himself from the pain. But with each careful thrust it became easier to bear, the arousing factors of the act growing stronger. Levi ensured Erwin knew this, moaning words of encouragement and pleading for more.

Erwin sought that he got just that, picking up the pace as his hands pressed into the other man’s hips for leverage. With this action the blonde became far more vocal, each movement accentuated with low groans of satisfaction.

“Oh fuck, Levi.”

He didn’t think he’d ever heard Erwin curse before, the intimacy of the moment becoming increasingly real.

He got closer. They both did.

At this point, Levi’s hand had travelled lower in a needy attempt to relieve himself, his voice becoming flat and high pitched with how desperate he was.

And then he was gone, Erwin hitting something within him that choked out whatever decency he had left. His legs grew tight around the small of the blonde’s back, his nails digging in to express his outright loss of control.

“Oh - shit, Erwin,” his voice was loud in his ears, echoed by strings of curses and begs.  
It was at this point too that the larger man lost himself, his hips moving in quick, jagged motions to indicate his release. He also became extremely vocal, crying out at the sensation.

And then it was quiet, only the sound of their breathing filling the room.

Erwin almost smiled, placing a kiss on Levi’s damp forehead before gently sliding beside him. Almost immediately the small man curled against him, heavy limbed and breathless, his head resting on his heaving chest.

“Thank you.” He rasped, his volume earlier taking its toll on his voice.

Erwin’s heart fluttered at the words, fingers moving to trace gentle circles on his housemate’s back.  
“For what?” He whispered.

Levi was silent for a minute, as if translating his emotions into words.

“All of this, Erwin. Everything. You.”

The blonde smiled softly, eyes glued to the smaller man’s face. He was still fascinated by him, his unconventional beauty, no-shit attitude and ability to remain so intriguing regardless. He was something truly special, to Erwin anyway.   
He spoke as if he’d lived a thousand lives, with a strange intensity that the blonde couldn’t quite put his finger on. The pain he expressed seemed to hold more than just the burden of a midlife crisis, but as far as they both knew, there was no reason for this.  
Besides his initial interest in Levi, Erwin would never know what drew him so close to the man, but so long as they were together it didn’t matter.

Nothing matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told u


	8. Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit longer even though it’s hella short  
> I’ve been hellaaa busy  
> But it gets very interesting very soon I promise

Weeks went by faster than one could keep track of, time so fragile and unforgiving as it passed the two men by.  
Amelia’s absence had allowed them to further enjoy one another’s presence, exploring their bodies more and more. Erwin’s aged body presented them with a few problems here and there, but nothing extremely significant. A forty year old man could only be so lively - the blonde had his limits. Overall it just made it easier for Levi to keep up. And surprisingly, for a man with little to no experience with the same sex, he knew just the right buttons to press when it came to Erwin.

When Amelia returned, she did so with a brighter attitude, a natural cheeriness about her. Upon noticing this Erwin had began to see the truth in Levi’s vulgar accusations from their earlier conversation and felt foolish for not noticing sooner. However, part of him felt as though it was none of his business, it never was, not really. All he could do was just be happy for her. After all, his main focus had become Levi, so he had very little concern about anything or anyone else. He had his own purpose now. However unofficial it was, it was something at the very least.

After repeated nagging, Levi eventually called about the job opening, catching himself an interview. Fortunately for him, after a very long-winded discussion about hours, he discovered they were surprisingly flexible about the topic. As a result, he’d managed to get a job working from 7am to 3pm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. The pay was average but enough for him to start paying Erwin some form of rent - despite the fact that the blonde refused to take his money anyway. He’d quit, but the mere routine of it helped alleviate a fraction of his guilt at the very least. He hated freeloading.

With the brief holiday out of the way, Erwin had returned to his job at the school, continuing to bring home stacks of books and papers to work on in the evenings. And of course, the two men fell back into routine, working together and sharing intimate discussions in the blonde’s study. But it was different now, the couple sharing heated kisses and stripping one another down in the dim light. It was needless to say that they were an item although neither one of them would say it. The blonde figured that Levi may need time; regardless of what happened, this was all new to him. Self acceptance had been difficult for him.  
Erwin’s okay with it, understands it.  
Gives him the time he needs.  
They’re comfortable.

As a result of their behaviour, Amelia finds no difficulty in clocking their proximity.  
She’s pleased for them, for Erwin. He’d waited so long for affection, a wait he didn’t deserve. Erwin was a good man with a lot of love to give, it was about time he had someone to give it to. He worked well with Levi, they made a good couple no matter how reluctant they were to admit it. Things were gradually working themselves out.  
Everyone was growing in their own ways.  
They were all happy.

...

 

“Can you just tell me where the fuck we’re going.” Levi’s voice is deep but holds no sign of genuine anger.

Erwin’s fingers tap on the steering wheel as a handsome grin paints his face. Levi could stare at it forever, he looked so young, so content. It reminded him just how much he hated seeing fear on that man’s face.  
Earlier that evening Erwin had dragged him from the sofa and out into the car, rambling about something he had to show him - a surprise? However tired Levi had been, he couldn’t say no. And so they left off into the night.

“You’ll see, be patient.”

The blonde’s large Cadillac weaved around roads Levi wasn’t familiar with, the horrible reek of the city still distant after a solid half-hour of driving. Erwin was just lucky that the small man had eaten before they left, it would only add to his grumpy persistence. 

The sky here was untouched by the orange glow of nightlife, the stars clearer than the small man could ever recall seeing them. In truth, he wasn’t too bothered about their destination anymore, the calming sparkle of the stars pleasing him enough to make the trip worth it.

“Ah, here we are.” Erwin’s smooth voice sounded, nearly an hour away from home.

Levi perked up, peering out of the window to finally see where the taller man had taken him.  
It was a small town, buildings old fashioned and well looked after as they grew old in the modern world. The town held numerous little shops: crystal shops that held comforting salt lamps in their displays, small cafes, candy stores, the lot. It was very pleasant to say the least. A huge difference to the city that he’d lived in. Better, in many aspects. The city was just too much sometimes, even for him.

“My mother would always take me to little places like this; so quiet and grounding. Far away from... from the stressful nonsense of the city.” Erwin smiled to himself as he spoke, reminiscing on a well-lived childhood.

Levi’s lips curved up in affection, his former colleague allowing him into his world; his life. He felt as though he was truly a part of him. It was comforting to know his place in the other man’s life. He felt cared about.

“It’s places like this that keep me sane.” Erwin chuckled and it was breathtaking.

“So is this where you wanted to go?” Levi watches the blonde’s face, carrying a smile on his voice.

“Well, yes,” He pauses for a moment.  
“But It’s a little more specific.” 

Levi hums in thought, going back to staring out of the window as Erwin drove around the town.

Five minutes later he parked on the side of a quiet road.  
The pavements were made up of uneven cobbles, the road just as wonky in comparison. But the imperfection only added character.

“It’s only a small walk from here, I believe.” The tall man pulled the keys from the ignition with a sigh, opening his door.  
“Though I have to admit, it’s not exactly a big surprise.”

Levi rolled his eyes and stepped out into the cold evening with the blonde.  
“I’m grateful enough that you even bothered to surprise me, you shitbag.”

Erwin grins and begins walking ahead on the uneven pavement.  
The small man walks alongside him with a fluttering chest.

The couple end their small journey at a cosy little book store with a tiny old fashioned door and the pungent smell of cinnamon. However, the store front was deceiving - the place was huge, stacked from floor to ceiling with thousands of books. It’d be near impossible to navigate without the help of messily scrawled signs identifying each section with tags labelling the books by title from A to Z. But the owner seemed to take enough care of it to ensure the job was done and each shelf was cleaned and taken care of. Levi could appreciate that.

“I noticed that you read quite a lot, so..” the blonde trailed off nervously as they walked through the door, concerned with the anti-climax that was his surprise.

Levi’s face lit up and a smile danced across his lips, taking Erwin’s hand in his own and squeezing it tightly.  
“That’s really thoughtful, Erwin, thank you so much.”

The larger man grinned in response and kissed his cheek - a brave move in public - but the town was so small and quiet that no one was likely to bat an eyelid. It was short, sweet, and a reminder of the affection they shared. 

And with that, Levi was dragging Erwin all about the shop, scouring different sections that sparked his interest.

“Don’t you read a shit ton too? I’ve seen that pile next to the bed.” The smaller man piped up as his eyes roamed over the pages of a book he seemed interested in.

Erwin shrugged in response and stuffed his hands into his pockets.  
“They’re all unfinished. I just never find the time to read them.”

Having made a decision on the book he wanted,  
Levi snapped his book shut and stared up at the blonde.  
“We’ll find time.”

Erwin grasped his hand and they walked off to pay.  
With the cashiers warm attitude and quick service, the couple were out onto the cold street again within minutes.

“What now?” Levi prodded Erwin’s arm playfully, “its pretty late.”

Erwin momentarily paused in thought, considering the question before answering it.

“Well, if I remember rightly, there should be a-“

“Erwin shut up.”

“Wh-“

“Shut. Up.”

Levi’s voice comes out in harsh whispers and he wraps a hand the blonde’s wrist as a warning.  
It’s at that point he swiftly raises his free hand to point ahead at a woman in the street. She was short and donned a puffy dress with a thick knit cardigan.

“Its Petra.”

“Wh-“  
“My fucking wife, Erwin.”

“Oh.”

Levi’s eyes dart between the blonde and his ex, everything in him praying that she’d walk the other way.

But when had prayer ever helped him?

Their eyes met and his blood ran cold in his veins. But when he looked to Erwin, he was already gone; hiding.

God he loved that man.

Petra drew nearer on the dark path, dim street lights illuminating her slim figure.  
Why was she here?

“Levi?”

“Petra.”

“You never called.”

“Neither did you.”

She fell silent, her eyes falling to the floor in a display of embarrassed defeat.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” He knew damn well what she should be sorry for, but he wanted to hear her say it. He wanted her to feel ashamed. 

“Look, Levi, baby, just come home. I didn’t mean what I said. We can fix this, we can make you better.”

He wanted to laugh in her face, but held back. She wasn’t worth the energy anymore.  
It hurt, remembering the excitement of teenage love and how happy he thought he was with her. It hurt being wrong about her - about himself. Her immediate proposal of his return after months of silence even made him angry, to an extent. But he contained it.

“No Petra.”

“Why?”

“That’s not my home.”

She stepped closer, taking his hand gently, “Oh, darling, it is. I should have never acted the way I did. It was... I was just hurt.”

“So am I.”

The red head sighed solemnly, her smooth fingers twisting between his as she closed the space between them. Closer than he wanted her.

“Please... I want you.” Her voice was a hushed whisper as her lips drew up to his, catching him in a passionate, unwanted kiss.

He didn’t return it.

“Go home, Petra.” He whispered against her, stepping back.

And just in that instant her guilt turned to unfiltered anger.

“You know what? You don’t deserve this life.” She raised her voice a little, yanking her hand away in pain and rage.

“You never did. And you never deserved me.”

At least they could agree on something. He deserved more than her and their mundane, miserable life. Erwin was a large step above what he deserved, of course, but he knew at the very least that Petra wasn’t enough.

“Go home Petra.” His voice was deep, not wavering in the slightest.

“Fuck you. Fuck this marriage. I can’t try anymore.” She muttered before walking back in the direction from which she came. Despite her anger there was an evident aura of sorrow about her, and yet the small man felt no sympathy whatsoever. He couldn’t.

It felt different this time, watching her walk away. He’d made this decision - he’d wanted to. He had chosen his life, and it wasn’t with her.

“Levi,” Erwin stepped out from behind a nearby car, drawing a giggle from Levi comparable to that of a teenage girl, “Is everything okay?”

The shorter man turned and smiled at him, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. It was such a small gesture and a familiar sensation, but he’d never get tired of it. He’d never forget just how much it meant to hold that hand, to be close to the man it belonged to. It was everything.

“Everything’s perfect, Erwin.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	9. Uncertainty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: shit ton of vomit

The golden glow of the morning sun warily peaked through a gap in the curtains, winter fog softening its intensity. Nevertheless, it didn’t fail to reach past Erwin’s eyelids and pull him from a deep sleep. And, as usual, he was blessed by the site of the man sleeping next to him; youthful, toned body, naked and bare for his eyes only.

He’d lost track of the days since Levi’s arrival, but as they settled into November with one another, he noticed that the time seemed to pass a lot faster than he’d thought.   
Precious time.

And with this time came countless memories: hundreds of kisses, heaps of intimacy. Dozens of mornings just like this, laying together, legs tangled and bodies exposed. Dozens of nights where Erwin found his head sinking between his lovers thighs, feeling muscles tighten around him as he brought the man to the edge time and time again.

Numerous evenings where they sat and read together, quietly drinking tea while taking in the warmth of the others company. At this point, Erwin was certain of his emotions and he couldn’t recall ever feeling so strongly for another person.

And Levi felt the same.

Despite the difficulty he found in portraying his emotions, he tried his very best to put them across. Whether they found themselves in beautifully coloured bruises sucked into the blonde’s shoulders or through small, loving gestures; he made sure they were known. This was more than a teenage romance, it was everything. His Christian upbringing accompanied by his knowledge of tradition and rules within his community didn’t stand a chance when standing between the two men.  
They had become inseparable.  
However secret their relationship may have been, they loved each other unconditionally; and behind closed doors, this showed.

 

Levi began to stir beside Erwin, curling into him with a pained groan.

“Good morning...” the blonde whispered to him, brushing messy dark hair behind his ear.

“Yeah...”, his brow twitched, curving up into a wrinkled look of distress.

But before Erwin could question his behaviour, the small man was darting out of bed and into the bathroom.

Seconds later he heard the unmistakable sound of vomiting.

...

“I’m not going in. They can clean their own shit today.” Levi grumbled, sweat building at his temple as his body temperature slowly rose throughout the morning.   
He was back in bed, wearing a baggy black shirt and boxers - he would have preferred to stay naked, but with the maid and Amelia in the house, it wasn’t the best idea. 

Erwin smiled and nodded, perched on the side of the bed clad in a suit, prepared for the day of work he had ahead of him.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” The blonde rubbed his partner’s thigh with affection, a look of concern painting his features.

“Fucking.. Erwin. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just have a winter bug, it’s nothing. You don’t need to nurse me.” The smaller man insisted, his hand resting atop the other’s.

Erwin sighed, checking his watch before rising from where he sat.  
“If you’re certain.”

“I’m certain. Just go to work.”

The blonde smiled once more and kissed Levi’s forehead before heading out of the room with a quiet goodbye.

If it weren’t for his current condition, Levi may have been warmed by Erwin’s attention and care, but all he could really feel was the nauseating pit in his stomach.

 

In Erwin’s absence, the small man tried to curl himself back into a peaceful sleep; but with the sweat covering his body and the constant threat of puking, he couldn’t manage to. He never dealt with heat very well, so his condition was agitating to say the least. Due to his inability to sleep, he resorted to reading instead, picking up the book he and Erwin had bought at the bookstore. It was only last month, but it felt so long ago now. He was already near the end of the book. It felt strange yet comforting to know how little it had taken him to develop a whole new life, but it was all for the better - he felt no doubt about that. This life was certainly one worth living.

Half way through the last chapter Levi lost himself in thought, thinking about Erwin, his job, his friends.

He never really had good, close friends.   
He knew Petra’s friends, but he never really liked them much, mostly because he felt as though the feeling was mutual.  
But here, it was so much different. The guys from work, however overwhelmingly camp they were, made him feel welcome - safe. Everyone did.  
Even Hanji; with her brief visits, he’d gotten used to her quirky behaviour and strange tendencies. He’d go as far to say he even enjoyed them.  
But god, nothing could ever beat Erwin.  
The way he picked up Levi’s bad moods, smiling at him and making him tea. The way he dealt with his outbursts of self hate and anger. He understood, he never pushed. He knew when to keep distance. He just knew.  
Levi had never connected with someone so beautifully; so intimately.  
He’d never experienced such an understanding with another person. Something so astoundingly perfect.  
He’d happily spend the rest of his life with this man.  
He wanted to.  
He wanted to go places, see things, do things. Anything, anywhere, as long as it was with him.  
It’s love and so much more.  
More than soft kisses and gentle whispers.  
It’s the stench of cum and sweat when they fuck.   
It’s the feeling of skin on skin.  
It’s all of the shit and raw reality of undivided devotion.

Levi smiled to himself at the thoughts - but it was a smile that was short lived.

The corners of his lips dragged down in a knowing grimace as his stomach groaned and lurched painfully. He knew what was coming, and it wasn’t pleasant.  
His legs scrambled off of the bed and numb feet planted themselves on the ground firmly, his body pushing itself far from comfort as his mind chimed alarm bells. 

But he hadn’t anticipated the amount of energy it would take. 

His head swirled and his eyes spun, dizziness clouding his senses in a dull ache; and before he could regather his thoughts, he was tumbling to the floor, the taste of vomit and bile flooding up his throat and into his mouth.

He sobbed, his tears falling into the filthy mess he’d created beside him on the ground. His limbs continued to shake and tremble, leaving him paralysed on the floor in a pool of his own sickness.

“Fuck! Jesus... fuck.” He screamed, his throat sore and broken as a result of what had just happened.  
He felt ashamed. Useless. Stupid.  
But most of all, he felt angry. Angry that he’d let it happen, that he couldn’t get up and fix it himself, that he was - instead - immobile and sobbing.

 

...

 

Her hand paused, fingers tightening around the damp cloth in her hand.  
She heard screams. The screams of a man.

Her memories replayed and she recalled what Erwin had said to her that morning:

“Please keep an ear out for Levi. He’s not very well and... well you know how stubborn he is, he won’t let me stay to look after him. Just make sure he’s taking care of himself? It would mean the absolute world to me.” The blonde had beamed and pecked her cheek, but there was an unmistakable concern in his eyes.

In a heartbeat her hands were empty and her small, frumpy body was rushing up stairs that creaked beneath her weight.

However, she hadn’t been ready for what she found.

The maid pushed open the bedroom door with urgency, her movements coming to a halt as her eyes fell on Levi.  
His body - half covered in his own waste and sick - was hunched in the doorway of the en suite, the sound of low growls rumbling in his chest as he proceeded to dry heave onto the floor. Her eyes wandered along the trail he’d left, finding only vomit in the man’s wake, along with the dirty boxers he’d discarded on his way.

“My goodness...”

 

Without a single bother about the stench and the mess, she rushed to the man’s side, her arms hooking beneath his armpits. He didn’t fight it, but he wasn’t exactly in a position to do so.   
With all her strength, she pulled him up from the floor, encouraging him to focus on his walking.  
He could only choke and nod in response.  
And together, they walked into the bathroom and over to the shower where she helped him peel off his t-shirt and start the water. At the sight of his unfiltered despair and shame, the maid had very little concern about the mess that he’d created and the mess he was yet to make, chucking the shirt onto the floor carelessly. 

The small man cried as his legs wobbled beneath him under the flowing water, his fingers digging between the tiles on the wall.

“Im so fucking sorry.. I-“ he coughed and spluttered, “God, shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

The maid shushed him gently, grabbing a flannel and washing away the products of his body.  
He could only stand and watch, trying to ignore the feeling of his stomach tensing around it’s own emptiness. He felt hollow. He felt utterly fucking hopeless.

 

...

 

The blonde sighed with relief as he finally parked into the driveway, his shoulders feeling heavy after the long day. He could only be grateful for the fact that he had no excess paperwork to do. Unusually, his evening was completely free.  
Keys jingled as Erwin pulled them from ignition, grasping his work bag and bracing himself for the cold before opening his car door.  
It was freezing outside, his nose turning red at the tip in response. They’d be expecting snow soon.

Upon walking to the door and letting himself in, Erwin lazily threw his coat and bag on the same hook; he wouldn’t need his bag anyway. And with that, he turned to walk deeper into the house.  
But before he got the chance to, the maid was anxiously trotting towards him.

It almost pained her to watch his face fall as she described the previous events of the day. Nobody had outright told her the relationship between the two men, but she could tell from their behaviour just how strongly they felt for one another; she was happy to keep the secret they had been reluctant to tell her.

“He needs you, go to him.” She whispered before gathering her things to leave.

After washing him, the maid had given him fresh underwear and helped Levi into bed once more. There, she left him with a sick bucket, tissues, and a glass of water.   
“Look after yourself.” She had told him, mothering him to the best of her abilities before allowing him privacy.   
Levi didn’t object to a single second of it, indulging in the care he’d never received as a child due to Xavier’s meddling.

 

When Erwin had made his way up to see him, he found him pale, shivering, and curled up on the floor beside a bucket full of bile and water his body had rejected. The blonde’s throat went tight at the sight of him.

“Levi? How are you?”

The dark haired man turn to look at him, “How do you think?”

His voice sounded rough and husky, his throat raw from all the vomiting.  
Erwin sighed in sympathy, stepping over to the other’s side and rubbing his back.

“The maid told me what happened. You should have let me stay.”

“You can’t just skip work, the kids- oh fucking jesu-“  
Levi’s sentence was cut short as he heaved into his sick-bucket, body twitching with the strain of it.

Erwin sighed, brows furrowed as he rubbed circles into his partner’s back, using his free hand to lock their fingers together. He hated seeing the other man this way, so helpless, so unlike himself.

Once done, Levi groaned and wiped his mouth, tears collecting at the corners of his eyes.   
“I’m fucking surprised I still have shit to throw up any more.”

The blonde shoots him a look of pure concern.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to see a doctor?”

“Fucking yes, I’m certain. It’s just a shitty bug, Erwin. It’ll pass.”

The larger man nods, but he can’t bring himself to completely discard his worry. As he saw it, it was always better to be safe and at least check for problems than to let them get worse and suffer. After all, if he was right and there was nothing wrong, then what was he really losing from just checking?   
But Levi was a grown man, and Erwin couldn’t make decisions for him. It was his body, only he could decide what was done with it.

But if there was anything he could do to sway him - for the benefit of his health of course - then he’d do it without question.

“Wouldn’t you rather be able to know for definite that it’s nothing serious? Where’s the real harm in it? I can get you the best doctor in the business, anything-“

“Just stop. I’ve sponged off of you enough. I’m fine, just take my word for it, please.”

“But Levi there’s so much-“

“Erwin! That’s enough! Lay the fuck off. I told you, it’s nothing,”

 

“Okay. I’m sorry, Levi.” Erwin sighed and left without another word. As usual, he understood. He saw it from Levi’s perspective, and as much as he disagreed with it, he accepted it. He wouldn’t push him, it never lead anywhere anyway.

So instead of hovering and feeding into the other man’s anger and discomfort, he took off to his study. Erwin was always capable of making work for himself if he needed to.

 

... 

 

Large hands carefully made their way down the sides of Levi’s small waist, fingers lingering a little longer than they should. Luke warm water spat consistently onto the back of his neck, the sensation soothing him to a point of near-relaxation.

“I shouldn’t have shouted at you earlier. I was out of line. I know you only mean well.” Levi turned to face his partner in the shower, shaky hands gliding up to touch his chest and rest on his shoulders. He looked a lot better now; colour had began to return to his cheeks, no more nausea - all that remained were a few simple flu symptoms, but nothing too alarming.

“It’s okay, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just concerned for your health. You’re very important to me, Levi.” Erwin gazed down at him with an expression of muted adoration.

Levi almost smiled, reaching past Erwin to turn off the water.  
He then leaned up, whispering into the other man’s ear.

“I’d give anything to kiss you right now.”

“Do it.”

Levi frowned in judgment, pressing a finger to the blonde’s lips.  
“I’m sickly. I’m not making you ill just because I want to put my lips on your big ugly face.”

Erwin chuckled against the finger, kissing that instead.  
This earned him a playful tap upside the head. 

The two men got out of the shower together, stealing brief touches and heated stares in their travels; actions that would ultimately amount to nothing due to Levi’s sickness. But it was comforting regardless; comforting for Levi to know that after everything Erwin had seen, his feelings didn’t waver in the slightest. They were solid.  
He could trust him.

The blonde ruffled his hair and grasped his hand, pulling him towards the bed, the smell of fresh sheets hitting his nose as he got closer. Erwin’s fingers tangled in his own as their bodies crashed together atop the sheets, a large muscular arm coming down to hold him against a warm chest. And they stayed like that.  
Levi hoped they always would.  
He wanted to stay this way forever.

....

Rousing from the sound of his other half shifting in the bed beside him, Levi woke feeling much better than he had the day before. The fever was barely there, his stomach had settled and he even felt a little refreshed from the good nights sleep.  
Despite not having work that day, he felt like having an early start and got up as well, dressing himself in comfy, casual clothes.

“Feeling better then?” Erwin spoke up first, his voice husky from sleep.  
Levi loved it.

“Mhm.” He nodded, padding towards the taller man.

They seemed to be trapped in a never ending honey-moon phase; even after months of being together Levi couldn’t keep his mind away from his undeniable desire for Erwin. It was almost childish, really.

The small man tugged his partner down by his tie, a hand coming up to cup an immaculate cheekbone as their lips came together, slowly but passionately.

“Levi, I lo-“   
A finger came to the blonde’s lips, cutting him off.

“Just enjoy the moment, Erwin. I know how you feel, you don’t need to say it.” Levi whispered against the finger that kept them separated before removing it completely.

 

After a few quiet, heartfelt moments together, the couple slipped downstairs together, reverting to their typical morning ritual.   
Erwin made the coffee, leaving Levi’s cup on the counter as usual so he could put in his own sugar.

“Got any plans for the day?” The blonde spoke from behind his coffee cup.

Levi shrugged as he stirred his own drink, thinking about the question. He’d probably try and get back to reading or just general domestic shit. He wasn’t ready to leave the house just yet.

“Just stay at home, I guess.” He finally answered after a minute of silence. 

Erwin gave a small nod of approval, “I suppose if you plan to work tomorrow you’ll want to fully recover.”

The smaller man smiled in response.

With that, they finished their coffee, kissed, and said goodbye to one another.

Alone yet again, Levi cleaned the mugs and set them beside the sink to dry.

He wouldn’t mention it to Erwin, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how no one had called. He couldn’t give a flying fuck about Xavier, but he missed his mother. He wanted to be able to tell her about his life now, about how happy he was. 

A try couldn’t hurt, surely.

Quiet steps carried Levi over to the phone where he hesitantly proceeded to pick up the phone and dial his parents number.

He calls one time, it rings, no one answers.

He calls a second time, it rings, no one answers.  
Maybe they weren’t home? Maybe this was a bad idea?

The small man shakes his head; it was worth at least one more try.

He punched in the number again, sighing as he put the phone to his ear. It rings, and finally someone picks up.

“Hel-“ Levi’s voice is cut off when the phone is immediately put back down.

Out of anger, he calls again, gets ignored, and decides to leave a message.

“Hi mom, it’s me. I tried calling but obviously no one picked up. I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve missed you. I’ve been...” he paused, smiling to himself.  
“I’ve been good. I’ve got a little job, a pretty big place to stay and I’m safe. I’m divorcing Petra too- but I feel like it’s for the best.”  
He stopped in his tracks, sucking in a breath as he considered his next words.  
“And I’ve found someone else. I... I think I really love him, mom. I really do. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for any of this, I understand that. But for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m actually... happy. I hope this message reaches your ears first and not that old bastard.  
Call me back sometime.”  
His breath hitches and he prepares to put down the phone.

“I love you, mom.”

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter should be out soon - please feel free to drop some constructive criticism in the comments because I’m always open to advice when it comes to my writing,,, thnkQ


End file.
